Diary of a Spring Pledge
13 years ago

Football, tailgates, and a fresh batch of freshman sorostitutes. Fall really is the best time of the year, unless you unfortunately decided to wait until the spring to pledge. There’s nothing like a fall semester full of regret, abstinence, and loneliness to motivate the scores of misguided freshman to admit their now obvious social inferiority and take the plunge to pledgeship in the spring.

The following are entries from Fall 2010:

September 4th

Dear Diary,
All of my friends from high school started pledging this week. I told them I didn’t need to pay for my friends. Besides there’s plenty of cool stuff to do at the student union in the evenings.

September 24th
Dear Diary,
Got invited to a party tonight. Heard it’s an apartment kegger. Should be pretty sweet….

September 25th
Dear Diary,
Party sucked. Lost my v-card to the hottest girl there. Too bad she had a cleft palate.

October 11th
Dear Diary,
That cute blonde in class talked to me today. She asked if I was pledging. I said no and she laughed and muttered something about me being a “GDI pussy.” By the way what’s a GDI?

October 28th
Dear Diary,
I am.

November 3rd
Dear Diary,
Just realized all my new friends are virgins. I’m starting to think I made a mistake..

November 15th
Dear Diary,
I saw my high school buddies game day mixer pictures on facebook. Look liked fun. Also none of the girls had a deformity.

December 1st
Dear Diary,
Played World of Warcraft with my 22-year-old dorm mate tonight. It’s a Friday. I hate my life. I really should’ve pledged.

December 13th
Dear Diary,
I FUCKING GET IT. MY LIFE SUCKS. I’m tired of being irrelevant. I want to meet some guys who don’t play japanese card games on the weekend and go to a party that doesn’t involve Mario Cart. But really all I wanna do is talk to a girl without a deformity.