Dick Perry Of “Dick’s Picks” Found Dead In Bathtub Filled With Cocaine
Early Friday morning, Dick Johnson Perry was pronounced dead at his studio apartment in Austin, Texas. He is survived by his sister Ashley, mother Muffy, father Dick Senior and bloodhound Reagan. Pending investigation, cause of death is yet to be determined, but officers at the scene claim to have found his body in a bathtub filled with cocaine, gripping a gold-plated 9mm pistol in one hand, and his iPhone in the other, with the twitter app opened.
@dicks_picks just bought lube for your moms ears and asshole faggot
— Josh (@DrinkinUndeRAGE) October 18, 2012
Most recently, after promising followers they could have sexual intercourse with his sister if he didn’t achieve an undefeated record, Mr. Perry was on the run in a stolen black Tahoe, wielding an arsenal of unregistered firearms and a half-ounce of uncut Columbian powder. It is unclear when he returned to the apartment or how he ascertained enough cocaine to fill a bathtub, and the whereabouts of his sister are unknown.
“I ain’t never seen that much blow,” said the coroner, who asked to remain anonymous. “That boy must have had the tolerance of five, six NFL linebackers.”
Dick Perry was a hyper-niche, unappreciated YouTube sensation that captured upwards of 15,000 views on several videos, which consisted of him giving college football gambling tips, conspiring to commit murder, orchestrating sabotage, and eliciting unrequested sexual advice. Rumors of the cancellation of his video series on TotalFratMove.com after a season and a half coinciding with the mass pursuit of his sister’s vagina sent his life into a downward spiral. He claimed to model underwear for Calvin Klein, but research turned up only one picture that appears to be photoshopped. Below is his final video, with footage of him on the run from “hard-dicked frat guys.”
Ginger co-worker Allen was quoted saying, “He was my best friend, even when I walked in on him flogging my wife with a cat of nine tails and taking her from behind.”
Matt Barkley, USC quarterback, has been brought in for questioning, along with twenty-six Austin area bookies.
His wake will be held at Star Bar in Austin, Texas on Wednesday, October 24 at 10:00pm, and all in attendance are encouraged to rock a slick-back haircut in remembrance of the man no one knew or loved.
If Dicks Picks is actually cancelled I may never use this website again. There is nothing more frat than fucking college football
12 years ago at 3:57 pmGotta agree. Dick is the only thing holding this place together. The extra cash flow from his picks probably helps a bit too…
12 years ago at 4:36 pm^ Well, not much cash recently anyway.
12 years ago at 6:35 pmCollege football is the best thing that ever happened to this country. except for gaining independence from Britian
12 years ago at 2:15 pm^And the trail of tears. Without it what would all of the mascots be?
12 years ago at 12:13 amfigures just as dick’s picks were getting funny again that he would get killed off by the tfm staff
12 years ago at 4:24 pmStudio apartments – NF
12 years ago at 4:58 pmThis better just be staged to get the bookies off of his ass
12 years ago at 6:09 pmcan’t think of any other way to appropriately pay homage to dick than to tear that boot wearing belle up from hole to hole
12 years ago at 6:09 pmYou sir, are right on point.
12 years ago at 6:35 pmDickPerryPledge must be right or his sister is fucked.
12 years ago at 6:57 pmWell played, frat on sir
12 years ago at 6:33 pmPledges are never right.
12 years ago at 12:14 amThat’s the point.
12 years ago at 10:24 amI Died laughing when he yelled Barkley.
12 years ago at 7:03 pmi’d like to bend her over a barrel and show her the 50 states
12 years ago at 2:13 amWhere will I get shitty gambling advice now?
12 years ago at 12:10 pmsoooo does this mean hes dead?!
12 years ago at 8:05 pm