Don’t Get Destroyed By The End Of Cuffing Season

Swoop Johnson7 years ago

The start of spring means that eyes are beginning to wander and clothes are beginning to vanish. It also means that some people are about to go through some really hard losses.

A lot of you have been getting topped off for the last four months by the same girl you met dressed as a giant Bud Light can during your Halloween triad. Grinding your nether regions on a large metal can that was actually made of cardboard never felt so good. If you haven’t realized it yet, you’ve fallen into something called a “committed relationship.”

The old ball and chain has been cuffed to you for the entire winter, but you’ve grown to like the ball and chain. The ball and chain makes you pancakes, and lets you finish inside. Unfortunately for you (or fortunately, if you’ve been eyeing that little snack from your chem lab but don’t have the balls to end things with your current snack) the days of your nightly Netflix seshes and weekly lunch dates are numbered.

I’m not sure why, but with the end of every successful cuffing season comes the pretty decent chance that your girl cuts things off. Maybe she realizes she’s too hot for the likes of a dude who places Fortnite higher on his list of priorities than listening. Maybe her lady spidey senses start tingling and she has no choice but to consider possible better options than your sorry ass. I really have no fucking clue, but fear not.

You probably attend a university that has upwards of 20,000 students. Let’s say half of them are female. That means you’ve got an overflowing pool of 10,000 women you could be interacting with to take your mind off the old ball and chain that had way too much faith in birth control. You might even find yourself a new ball and chain. But what about the 10,000 women? What about parties every weekend? What about Tinder? It really makes you wonder how you ever let yourself get cuffed in the first place.

Meeting new women doesn’t prevent all of the end-of-cuffing-season side effects. There will be moments when you feel like you’re stuck under a pile of steaming dog shit. You’ll want to do anything to stop the horror of dying with lungs full of feces. You’ll most likely want to text the ex-ball and chain to ask if she’s been choking down shit too. Don’t do it. She’s been choking, but it hasn’t been on shit. In texting her, you’d be doing yourself a massive disservice. All that will do is add a couple more scoops of shit to your pile.

Sooner or later, you’ll have to dig yourself out of that pile. It doesn’t matter how long you lay under it (and you will lay under it for a while). What matters is that you dig yourself out of it in the end. Shit loses a lot of its weight when it dries. With time, it will become easier to pick yourself up off the floor, and you’ll stay off of the floor longer and longer between falls. Just keep your chin up, your nuts shaved, and don’t forget that you’ll never have the opportunity to be around this many single women ever again..

Image via Pixabay.com