DOs and DON’Ts with the Dapper Dipper
13 years ago

It’s that time again. Gamedays have had me feeling pretty good lately, and I thought it was going to be a while before I had to write another one of these. Apparently I was wrong. Fuck.

Don’t: Try to snipe a girl from your brother

Listen, the bounds of brotherhood extend into a vast reach of reality that many people outside of the Greek system would probably question. We share a lot of things; sometimes we have late night encounters with the same girl on different nights. You may call yourselves eskimo bros, weiner cousins, or penis pals. I think the term Herpes Homies may be more appropriate, but the fact remains that many guys are guilty of taking down the same girl. However, this line of fraternal friendship can easily be crossed. If you happen to see your Clap Cadet making moves on a girl, keep yourself out of the frame. Honestly, if you have to result to swooping in to snag a prospective slam from a brother, you may want to reconsider your approach altogether. Don’t be a dick. Give him his time, and if things don’t start clicking I’m sure she knows where to find you. Just remember, some diseases are forever, wrap it up.

Do: Play wingman

Nothing is worse than watching your brother try to navigate the rocky airspace of bringing a girl home while trying to entertain her best friend who isn’t getting the hint. Even though it’s doable, so is shotgunning a beer upside down. The yield is the same, but the process is much more complicated. If you see this happening, help your man get to the point. Slide on over to the bar and buy the girl’s friend a drink for God’s sake. Even if the girl isn’t exactly a looker, showing some southern charm will at least occupy her long enough to get things moving in the right direction for your buddy. Sometimes you have to take one for the team, and a half hour of your life isn’ much to ask. If you have a real brotherhood the favor will be returned.

Don’t: Be a mooch

I’ve been coming back to this a lot recently and it’s probably because mooching is the God damned anti-frat. Every time I go to the bar it happens. “Hey man, if you get this round I’ll get the next one.” If you say this without any intention of actually doing so, go to hell. Seriously, if you’re short a few bucks, just say it. There’s no shame in asking me for a drink. I may not always oblige, but I’ll sure as hell respect you more for having the balls to ask. Slipping out of the bar right before you’re up for pitchers gives you needledick status. Sack up and pay the piper.

Do: Pass the pitcher

Next time you need a drink but you’re funds are low (which for most of you is hopefully not very often), grab a couple pledge brothers and make your way to happy hour. It’s called happy hour for a reason. Everyone buys a cheap round, everyone gets equally drunk, and everyone is HAPPY.

Don’t: Drop names

All my life I was raised to believe conversations were between two people and they pertained to things and ideas. You meet someone, find something in common, and go from there. You may have mutual friends you share with that person, and that’s fantastic. However, there is nothing more monotonously boring than hearing people list names you might possibly know as well. I have no problem acknowledging the fact that I may have gone to school with a good friend of yours, but when you bring up another person, then another, then another, I’m going to recognize your inability to maintain a conversation. How on earth do you think listing names is going to allow me to get to know you? If I’m talking to you, tell me about you.

Do: Introduce other friends

If you are a name dropper, you may wonder why conversations seem to suddenly die when you start talking to people. Chances are, it is because you aren’t actually saying anything that another person can really respond to. Instead of wasting time listing off people that aren’t in the room, try bringing people who are actually in the vicinity over to make things livelier. A bigger group can allow for conversation to grow, and for those who are name dropping, it will give you some valuable time to shut the fuck up and let your friends talk.

For now, I am done. But the boys from Bama are coming to town this weekend for a game in The Swamp and some of them are bound to end up pissing me off and inspiring a column. If you have anything that just pisses you off as well, tell me on Twitter @TheDapperDipper