Entire Pledge Class Drops After Finding Out Brothers Were Serious About Being A “Non-Hazing Fraternity”
The fall pledge class of the Phi Lambda chapter of Beta Delta sent a letter to Chapter President Peter Pervis last night announcing their collective decision to terminate their own pledgeship after discovering that the fraternity was being serious during rush when they said that they don’t haze their pledges.
“This is bullshit,” Ex-Pledge Class President Tucker Montgomery told TFM. “It was my understanding that fraternity members were only saying that to rushees to save face. I’m pretty sure the president even threw me a wink when he told me.”
“I’ve actually been struggling with a sporadic right eye twitch for a few years now,” Pervis said, holding back tears. “I’m very self conscious about it.”
The pledge class learned that they were about to endure a hazing-free semester during what they thought was their first lineup. After being told to go make themselves comfortable in the basement by their pledge educator, the pledge class stripped naked, blindfolded themselves with their pants and gagged the pledge brother next to them with their skid-marked underwear, thinking this must have been what the pledge educator meant with his cryptic instructions.
“We heard the door open and the pledge educator yell, ‘What the fuck?’ I took off my blindfold and saw him standing there with a cookie cake that read ‘Welcome, new friends!'” said Montgomery. “I noped the fuck out of there and brought my pledge brothers with me.”
The Phi Lambda chapter, which has won the Beta Delta Chapter Of The Year Award a record thirteen years running, is now down to only 17 members. Pervis is confident that the fraternity will not only survive, but thrive without a pledge class this fall.
“It’s just so much easier to run a fraternity when brothers and pledges are on even pedestals,” Pervis said. “Now, if you excuse me, I need to pick up my laundry, do my Spanish homework, print my Psych essay, and get groceries. It’s a lot of errands, but what are you gonna do, right?”
Repeated requests for information about the availability status of the potentially discarded cookie cake went unanswered..
When did TFM become the fronion (frat onion)?
10 years ago at 8:03 amPlease never say that again
10 years ago at 8:11 am(CommCollege69, 2015)
10 years ago at 8:13 amWell this is a college humor website based on Greek life and satire… I guess it makes too much sense to post a satirical article.
10 years ago at 8:20 amSatire. Its a TFM
10 years ago at 3:59 pmI think you mean feature.
10 years ago at 9:13 pmTaking satire too seriously. NF
10 years ago at 3:59 pmPower Pledge Moves
10 years ago at 8:07 amSo now you’re taking specific pictures to be the headers for your satire? That’s commitment, DeVry.
10 years ago at 8:10 amWith SteveHolt contributing so many articles, they have plenty of time to stage pictures.
10 years ago at 3:11 pmThis was a waste of my time
10 years ago at 8:13 amWe all care so much
10 years ago at 8:18 amJohnny Drama would be envious of those calves, DeVry.
10 years ago at 8:13 am“I even have very aesthetic knees doc, it’s just my calves I can’t live with.”
10 years ago at 8:52 amDa fuq kind of name is Pervis?
10 years ago at 8:14 amPeter Pervis at your pussy poppin service
10 years ago at 8:17 amIt sounds like Beevis and Pervert had a entomological love child and fused their names creating Pervis.
10 years ago at 8:22 amWait entomology is bugs and shit, I think I was looking for etymology… my two year education has failed me
10 years ago at 8:24 amStick to coloring.
10 years ago at 10:51 amI hear he can count up to K now.
10 years ago at 1:09 pmK as in strike out? Like you do with any female above a 4?
10 years ago at 11:09 pmMy bad, it’s just hard to type perfect sentences when your girl insists on using teeth. The day she eases up will be a win for the both of us though! I promise.
10 years ago at 11:05 pmJust leave please. You have too many laps to take.
10 years ago at 10:04 amPlease write your own shit. It’s not that hard. But, I expected nothing more from a FIJI.
10 years ago at 8:24 amHuh?
10 years ago at 8:47 amIf you’re going to accuse someone* of plagiarism, you should at least link to something that looks like it might have been plagiarized.
10 years ago at 11:36 am(*Exception for Steve Holt. Accuse him without evidence all you want.)
Well played. You just never know when it comes to high school frat stars. You just know some of them are out there right now trying to acquire a taste for dip spit and ketchup just to be ready.
10 years ago at 9:07 amYou were able to go into detail regarding the pledge class, but never followed up on the cookie cake? I could be partaking in Netflix and chill with Mrs. Fields, but no. You’re a real son of a bitch Jared.
10 years ago at 9:07 am“Repeated requests for information about the availability status of the potentially discarded cookie cake went unanswered.”
10 years ago at 11:34 amThis is one of the first articles that I actually laughed at without having to read the comments. Well done
10 years ago at 9:12 am