Entire Pledge Class Drops After Finding Out Brothers Were Serious About Being A “Non-Hazing Fraternity”
10 years ago

finalBD

The fall pledge class of the Phi Lambda chapter of Beta Delta sent a letter to Chapter President Peter Pervis last night announcing their collective decision to terminate their own pledgeship after discovering that the fraternity was being serious during rush when they said that they don’t haze their pledges.

“This is bullshit,” Ex-Pledge Class President Tucker Montgomery told TFM. “It was my understanding that fraternity members were only saying that to rushees to save face. I’m pretty sure the president even threw me a wink when he told me.”

“I’ve actually been struggling with a sporadic right eye twitch for a few years now,” Pervis said, holding back tears. “I’m very self conscious about it.”

The pledge class learned that they were about to endure a hazing-free semester during what they thought was their first lineup. After being told to go make themselves comfortable in the basement by their pledge educator, the pledge class stripped naked, blindfolded themselves with their pants and gagged the pledge brother next to them with their skid-marked underwear, thinking this must have been what the pledge educator meant with his cryptic instructions.

“We heard the door open and the pledge educator yell, ‘What the fuck?’ I took off my blindfold and saw him standing there with a cookie cake that read ‘Welcome, new friends!'” said Montgomery. “I noped the fuck out of there and brought my pledge brothers with me.”

The Phi Lambda chapter, which has won the Beta Delta Chapter Of The Year Award a record thirteen years running, is now down to only 17 members. Pervis is confident that the fraternity will not only survive, but thrive without a pledge class this fall.

“It’s just so much easier to run a fraternity when brothers and pledges are on even pedestals,” Pervis said. “Now, if you excuse me, I need to pick up my laundry, do my Spanish homework, print my Psych essay, and get groceries. It’s a lot of errands, but what are you gonna do, right?”

Repeated requests for information about the availability status of the potentially discarded cookie cake went unanswered.

  2. ewusigep252

    “They weren’t Balanced Man© material anyways. Balanced Man©. You’ll do it because fuck you, Balanced Man©. Also, we’re getting rid of our Greek letters.”

    -SigEp© Corporate

    10 years ago at 9:35 am
  3. dingos_lil_5

    So I am not going to lie here, When I joined the fraternity that I thought was best for me, I knew I was going to have a very hard and long semester. However, I found out quickly they were non hazing. To be honest I was actually looking forward to the hazing, the fact you come out stronger mentally and sometimes physically. My pledging was boring and seemed insufficient without it. I can understand that sometimes hazing can be taken to extreme measures, like when ΑΤΟ made their pledges snort cocaine during a ritual at a local chapter of theirs.(Note: I wouldn’t have complained about free coke) However, I feel without hazing it doesn’t challenge you to why you should join/earn entry to any fraternity. I actually quit pledging partly because of it. Anyway, I can sympathize with these gentlemen because I can honestly say it sucks without it.

    10 years ago at 11:43 am
    1. StarShieldandLamp

      First off, it sounds like your chapter sucks. Second, this article was completely satire, everyone knows it’s not really pledging without hazing involved.

      10 years ago at 12:09 pm
  6. Tsunami The PiKapp

    TKE at UC Davis two years ago.

    Never fails to stifle a laugh out of anyone.

    10 years ago at 8:39 pm