F.I.N.A.L.S. (Fuck I Never Actually Learned Shit)

StuffFratPeopleLike13 years ago

Yet again, my brothers, we find ourselves at that miserable turning point we meet every semester, the mentally handicapping span of final examinations. There are hundreds of types of classes, and even more types of exams, but regardless of their content you probably aren’t even close to prepared for any of them. When facing a final exam there are a few problems each fraternity man will have. If you’re looking for advice from a maximum slacker, professional procrastinator, and an expert at just barely getting the grade, look no further I’m here to help.

I’ve never been to class or watched a lecture online.

Well, fuck, don’t think you’re special or anything, this just lumps you together with 80% of fraternity guys across the nation. But fraternity men have been passing difficult exams against the odds for over a century, and it is our duty as brothers to uphold this tradition.

There are essentially two ways you can go about solving this predicament to sway your grade into the “Hey at least I passed” category. The first? Assemble a small mountain of amphetamines, gather your textbooks, and lock yourself into the library until test time. Even with mental steroids this will be some horrifically tedious work, and let’s get real, cramming has never achieved anything much higher than a “C” (unless you go to school in Alabama, in which case you’re probably already Valedictorian), and it’s hardly worth the pain and effort. Which brings me to our second, far more logical choice…

Cheat. Cheat your fraternal balls off. Print answers on your Coke bottle’s label, get a pledge to write that essay for you, write answers on your thigh just above 6″ inseam level. Any of these things will do. Cheating, while dishonorable to some folks (people who don’t have as much fun as us), holds the ideal work/payoff ratio for saving a college student in need. If slaving away overnight in the library isn’t going to get you the grade you want, it might be time to consider the road most taken. Just don’t be a moron and get caught. “TFM told me to” probably isn’t going to be a viable excuse.

I go to class, but I don’t pay attention or take notes.

Well, at least you got your lazy ass out of bed. In this scenario you hopefully at least have a minor grasp of the subject material, despite being constantly distracted by the incessantly chatty sorority girl sitting next to you. You might think it’s her fault you don’t understand what the hell is going on in class, but don’t be so quick to judge. This girl is going to be your savior.

I’ll admit the female race has many strange qualities and mannerisms, but one of the most curious is their inherent, near-superhuman note taking ability. Somehow, sorority girls can attend class, brief each other on last night’s social, plan their upcoming night, and take perfectly legible, detailed notes all at the same time. It’s hard to believe unless you witness it first hand. Because of this gender-specific scholastic gift, little Samantha in the next row is good for way more than just blowjobs and sandwiches (though those two are still preferred).

The trick is to arrange a study session with your targeted scribe, and embrace the wonderful ancient technology known as the photocopier. If she’s onto your game you may have to invite her to a future date function (a manageable sacrifice, especially if she’s hot), but the notes are absolutely worth it.

Now that you have the notes you’re good to spend a day cramming in the library, much akin to our first potential solution seen above. Of course you still should cheat once you get to the test room, hopefully you just won’t need to quite as much.

I always go to class, and take great notes, and feel very prepared for this test.

You are on the wrong website.

Whether your finals be short answer, essays, multiple choice, or some horrific hybrid of the three, proper preparation is key. Embrace that old test bank and suck it up for the time being. Sure, exams are a miserable reason to put down the Natty for a week or two, but that silver pilsner of the gods will reunite with your lips soon enough. And I don’t know about you, but post-exam Natty’s to me taste a little bit like heaven.