Fuck You And Goodbye, Skip Bayless

Siblings of Mark Wahlberg9 years ago

Jalen Rose exposing the self-anointed “star” point guard as a fraud put him in the casket. LeBron James capping the greatest individual performance in NBA Playoff history dug the hole. Scott Van Pelt brought the shovels last night. And now it’s time to bury Skip Bayless, just in time for his last-ever episode of ESPN’s First Take.

The man that once proclaimed “Johnny Football will be bigger in Cleveland than his buddy LeBron ever was” has finally reached TFM commenter levels of absurdity.

Live tweeting like a mid-menstrual cycle 16-year-old watching The Bachelor, Skip spent last night putting his foot so far in his mouth he woke up with toenail splinters in his asshole after claiming LeBron, who led all players in points, assists, steals, rebounds, and blocks for the first time in the history of the NBA Playoffs, was “LeFraud,” and that Kyrie, who trailed LBJ in every category outside of free throw percentage, was the “real MVP of the series.”

Yes, I’m biased. We all know that. I had the GDP of a small African nation on this series; and though, at 3-1, it looked like my parent’s-basement fate was sealed, like a phoenix I have risen from the dead to aspirations of a studio apartment.

Wherever he ends up, Skip needs a new shtick. Bashing LeBron was fun when he was French Army-level reliable; but at this point he’s “Yes, I actually do have lube, let’s try it”-level clutch.

I get it. We’re in a hot take society more interested in clicks than content. Shit, half my articles start with “Fuck you;” clearly I’m embracing it. But at some point we have to respect and admire greatness. A person designated an “expert” and more importantly a “journalist” cannot be so overwhelmingly biased that they make Kim Jung-un look objective.

What LeBron just accomplished will likely never be replicated. While I realize my columns have largely become a written fellating of the King, in this instance he undoubtedly deserves the praise. Figuratively, of course.

In the sports media today, apparently all you need to become a six-figure compensated star of a syndicated television show is a hot take hatred, a 1.2 points per game high school average, and the uncanny ability pull more shit out of your ass than a veterinarian fixing a donkey’s bowel obstruction by hand.

The Warriors and Cavaliers just completed perhaps the greatest series of all time. With three minutes remaining in Game 7, the total score remained tied at 689-689. This year, the Cavs were four points better, but would anyone be surprised to see a threepeat Finals matchup next year?

Thankfully, whoever remains alive in mid-June next season will not be subjected to Skip and Stephen A. every morning.

This year, it’s the Cavs. Print the shirts..

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