FAIL COLUMN: I am an Asshole. The Fun Bags Story.

TFM Staff13 years ago

Every week the TFM editorial staff receives a number of column submissions that, to put it mildly, read like the musings of a drunken lunatic. Here, without a single edit, is one of those columns in its entirety. As with Fail Friday, the name of the author has been omitted to protect the guilty.

Intern, please post this.

I mentioned something about Asian Fun bags on the GS Valentine’s Day column and before you know it everyone’s asking for this damn story. Ridiculous? Yeah. Funny? See for yourself. Actually post this on the Friday column, it would make my day.

Alright. You know how some sororities have their token Asian? Well yeah, usually they’re fucking hot.. for Asians anyway. Some of them even have fantastic fun-melons, which to me is a KO. Give me a few drinks and put me next to one of them and i’ll either work some magic, or i’ll get the shit slapped out of me. With this girl, it was a nice mix of both.
The night started off with me walking in and having a drink with a few buddies, one of which who saved my ass from a Moby Dick slam session last week (fuck it, I was drunk). We start talking about Jennifer Anniston vs Mila Kunis, and then the conversation shifts to Lucy Liu. Who is this person? I don’t know.

First few rounds went quick, followed by another few rounds of everclear shots. A few beers after and I was getting to that “fucked in half” drunk mode. I start looking around and in the corner of my eye I see these..these boobies. They were like.. perfect, it didn’t make any sense. Literally the most perfect set i’ve seen all night. Even better? The girl attached to them looked bored by this fatass hitting on her.

Alright. time to keep this smooth, get her laughing, and get the hell out of here while I can still coherently call “Pledge Taxi” to pick us up. Time to keep it civil..

Me- “Hey you look familiar.. Have we had sex?”

Fun Bags- Weird expression like I just spilled beer on her cleavage, “Um, what?”

Me- Looking at her tits the whole time, “You look like Lucy Liu. Are you related? I mean, you look just like her!”

At this point 2 minutes in, fatass notices what’s up and starts looking at me like i’m a fucking deli express salad. The guy did not want me there. You know, with the chest propped out and all that. In a stroke of drunken genius (or stupidity):

Me- “I wonder who’s tits are bigger, hers or yours. I think yours. Here hold up, stand next to her for a sec.”

Fun Bags turns around and SLAPS THE SHIT OUT OF ME. I swear to God, the whole world stayed quiet for a few seconds mourning my fucking face. As for fatass? His face lit up like a fucking ripe tomato. Poor dude couldn’t say a thing and ended up staying quiet and “going to the bathroom”. Pussy.

Me- “That was fucking hot, can you do that again? Make it harder this time” She looks at me like I’m a certified retard and slowly started laughing.

Hell yes i’m in (well, not literally.. yet)!

Fun Bags- “You are the biggest asshole I have ever met! That guy is my best friend, he isn’t that fat!”

I don’t remember what I said back to her. I then turned around, managed to crack something witty and somehow she was completely enjoying it. We kept splitting rounds and finally I just looked at her and gave her the “lets fuck” look.
Needless to say, after getting tons of shit from the guys about her being a butter face, I still went on with taking her home. You should’ve seen the look of the brother’s face, the one who saved me from Moby Dick last week, it was PRICELESS. But man, I didn’t care.. she had a rocking body. She almost suffocated the shit out of me with these fun bags, and it was a lot of fun. Like, damn, I have a new perspective on life now. For those who have slams with tig ol’ biddies, slap them around and call them fun bags next time you fuck. See the reaction on your slam’s face. You’re welcome.

That’s the cool story, now stop asking me you fuckers.