Fail Column: The Devil’s Three-Way

Anonymous12 years ago

Every once in awhile we at TFM come across a column that’s humorous in its own odd way, but really doesn’t have a home. It needs to be shared, but something about its message, tone, or general horrifying nature doesn’t quite fit in with the standard site content. This is one of those instances.

Note: The author gave strict instruction to post this anonymously. I am obliging, but if you’ve perused a comment section on this site before, you’ve come across this sick individual. Here it is, unedited:

Fuck you. It’s me again. Due to the disgusting success of my drunk column, I’ve decided to treat y’all fuckheads with another fine adventure of mine. This one comes from the beginning of Summer 2012, it started off with a bang.

So it’s late at night blah blah 2am in the fucking morning and the drinking is getting prime. It’s at this time we received a text that invited my friend over to come have a “adventurous time.” He replied that I was with him and the text he received back changed our lives forever. “Bring him too ;).”

I know what you’re thinking, what the fuck. We were thinking the same exact thing, but hot damnit this could only come once in a lifetime with such a high placed female in society. We looked each other straight in the eyes, brokeback mountain style, and said fuck it, lets go.

So we arrive around 3am and immediately begin to pound hard liquor and copious amounts of vodka and tequila. Fuck tequila. Before you know it we were drunker then two skunks in a crack house down by maple berry street. Shit got weird real fast.

Before you know it i had tittys in my face, sucking Gods gift to man like their was no tomorrow. My friend walked back into the room and he immediately was like “oghhhhhh fucakjkkkk my bad yall.” and began to walk away. She yelled to him, and demanded he come over there. So before you know it I’m licking on some tittays and hes making out with this classy lady. Soooooo classy.

I started laughing from the extreme amount of awkwardness and ran to the fridge to grab the closest bottle of alcohol I saw. Fuck tequila. I came back into the living room to find my friend butt naked slamming this broad while three dogs outside began to bark uncontrollably. Like da fuck. So like any man should do I walked away after snapping a picture. But before I could get out the door she yelled my name, and said come over here. This was it. This was the breaking point.

Holy shit. That’s all I could say. For the solid 5 minutes of laughing, while receiving a bj during which time my friend delivered his meat wagon to the bakers daughter, all I could do was turn my head into my shoulder. I dont know if it was the fact we were degrading this girl, or the fact that we were all so fucked up. This was the stupidest thing i have ever done sexually. How the fuck do you keep a straight face in a devils three way? This asshole over here was making the funniest comments the whole time. Like hey hows that bj? Dude give me a highfiive. Can you pass me my beer? jesus christ. How did this girl let this happen? Fucking slut. So there was only one thing i had to do so i could say ive done it. I visted paris, saw the eiffel tower, and got the fuck outta there. The amount of shame, sweat, and sex that lingered in that room was unbelievable.

The drive home at 5am was the most disgraceful. Neither of us could talk, nor stop laughing. I swore God was about to smite me at any given moment. We just shook our heads, laughed, and said fuck.

Also…Playing ring of fire is the scariest fucking game now. Holy shit. I cant even tell you the amount of times i had to walk away.

Tune in next time about my Twitter adventures. Where banging randos over the internet is at an all time high.