Farmhouse At Auburn Sends Really Sad Email To ΧΩ Explaining Why They’re Better Than The FIJIs

The following email was sent into Barstool Sports from some middleman that, fortunately for all of us, was able to intercept this piece of gold from Farmhouse member “Chi Bro” at Auburn University:

Baby Hooties,

Great moments are born from great opportunities. That’s what we have here tonight ladies.

Tonight you will decide your alliance. FIJI will be spitting their best game not to win you over but in an attempt to tear down the FH legacy. Tonight you will see the true character of an FH man. Laying everything down to show ΧΩ his true character and love for hooties while FIJI shotguns every liquid in sight.

BUT I have a DREAM! That this night will not be simply decided off irrational decision on alcohol but decisions made from the heart. Oh I have a DREAM! That one day FH and ΧΩ will forever be linked throughout destiny. That one day a FIJI will be judged not by whether he is fratty or has money but by his allegiance with ΧΩ.

It is the man not with a 4.0, on old row, or drives a lifted truck BUT THE MAN THAT IS LOVED AND CLAIMED BY ΧΩ. Hooties, I leave you with this. God so loved the world that he gave his one and only FarmHouse so that ΧΩ may not perish but haveeternal life. -FH 19:05

Hooties, I have been waiting this moment since 12/8/93 and it will not be wasted.

Yours and always Chi Bro,

Shiiiiiiiit, man.

From what I’m able to gather from this email, along and the quick intro from the Barstool reader who sent it in, the following is true: 1. Chi Omega held a social event. 2. Two fraternities were invited: Farmhouse and Fiji. 3. Farmhouse is a dry fraternity. 4. Fiji drinks, presumably an exorbitant amount. 5. In a preemptive strike in order to soften the blow of how lame the members of FH will undoubtedly come off at the event, Chi Bro explains how awesome they can be, too. And they don’t even need to drink to have fun.

“Hooties, I have been waiting this moment since 12/8/93.”

Goddamn, man. Chi Bro needs the biggest noogie of all time. What a fucking dweeb. Dude’s been waiting for this social event ever since the day he was born just over 19 years ago — an event in which he won’t enjoy alcohol, a dance-floor-grind, or get laid afterward. Looking past the undeniable fact that he’s a liar who can’t remember that long ago, what a pathetic revelation to share with a group of girls who assuredly thrive off the casual college asshole vibe, like 95% of girls that age do. Being this overtly excited, and expressing it, for a simple sorority social is a precursor to a late night Halo tourney at the house.

“FIJI will be spitting their best game not to win you over but in an attempt to tear down the FH legacy.”

Tear down the FH legacy? Like tear it down worse than this email is going to do? They must have dump trucks of dirt on you guys.

“BUT I have a DREAM! That this night will not be simply decided off irrational decision on alcohol but decisions made from the heart. Oh I have a DREAM!”

You are NOT playing the I Have a Dream speech card. And so close to MLK day? Poor form, Chi Bro. Poor form. Desperation is a stinky cologne.

This is like a weird Greek love triangle, except one part of this threesome is stuck in the friend zone and is embarrassingly trying to claw their way out it. It won’t happen, though. It never does. I guess that would mean this isn’t a triangle at all — just a line with two points. And there’s a lonely, sober, nerdy dot next to the line with a likely unhealthy masturbation addiction.

“Baby Hooties,”

I’m not familiar with this term, so I hope it’s a Chi Omega thing and not Farmhouse lingo that will add another layer to this atrocity.

Dear Chi Bro, start running laps and don’t stop until you graduate.

** On a closing note, why the hell aren’t you guys sending us golden content like this? You have our emails. You have our Twitter handles. The fuck is that about?

[via Barstool Sports]

Image via Farmhouse.org

***


  1. BootsAndSuits

    Whenever I picture ‘Farmhouse’ I see a fraternity full of a bunch of ‘Earl Dibbles Jr.’ wannabe’s

    12 years ago at 9:05 pm
  2. The Fratastrophy

    The only thing I know about Farmhouse is they have a “Milk and Cookies” mixer without alcohol at our school. NF

    12 years ago at 9:05 pm
    1. I am drot nunk

      Dorn, can I have that “staff” label next to my name? Sick of being a pledge, or whatever the fuck I am.

      12 years ago at 10:25 pm
    2. MSUANGEL

      All the Farmhouse men I know are SUPER sweet and most of them have girlfriends in the house next door (ΠΒΦ). They don’t drink in the house which means it isn’t destroyed 24/7 like the rest of the houses on campus. They drink out back. And every time I’m there, I know no ones going to get roofied. Five stars across the board for the gentlemen of Farmhouse. #PPL

      12 years ago at 10:57 pm
    3. The Law Firm

      ^ You’re probably fat or ugly and no one wants to roofie you. Farmhouse sucks.

      12 years ago at 11:14 pm
    4. Serious About Boats

      ^^And at SMU some girls like to go to Beta because they’re nerds and probably wouldn’t even know where to find roofies.

      12 years ago at 12:16 am
    5. Lacemup Takealap

      MSUANGEL, if you’re from the MSU that I attend, Farmhouse and PiPhi are nowhere near each other…

      12 years ago at 12:20 am
    6. BrotherGump

      ^then you sir are a complete dumpass piphi is next door to farmhouse take laps and jump off a cliff

      12 years ago at 12:32 am
    7. Fraternity Lifestyle

      At the only MSU that people know/care about, Farmhouse blows dick and I don’t even know where their house is. It’s definitely not close to Pi Phi. Go Green.

      12 years ago at 1:25 am
    8. BROther W

      “At the only MSU that people know/care about”
      Is this guy talking about Michigan State? Ha, the yankee has jokes!

      12 years ago at 6:54 am
  3. right or wrong

    hahahhaha is anyone else getting an add for substance abuse next to this…

    12 years ago at 9:08 pm
    1. right or wrong

      TFM therapy is for the weak. who the fuck do you think we are on this site a bunch of GDI sad pussies.
      I find this add offensive and i might send the ACLU after you.
      fix this or god help you… i heard the aclu is a bitch to deal with

      12 years ago at 9:10 pm
  4. Airlinepilot

    My dad is an Auburn FIJI.. Not their fault that they have a fuckin rowdy house full of overachievers. Farmhouse, you suck. bad.

    12 years ago at 9:13 pm
    1. Dillon Cheverere

      ^ You can’t call someone a dumbass when you can’t use your/you’re properly. It’s just a good rule to go by.

      12 years ago at 9:25 am
    2. JudgeFraterson

      And at the end of the day, you’re all still at Auburn. Bust out your “Chiz-rag” and fap fap fap away.

      12 years ago at 5:34 pm
  5. david_allan_bro

    Never knew this “fraternity” existed. its a shame they do after spewing that garbage

    12 years ago at 9:16 pm
  6. Ivy_Love_11

    This is rather sad… But just for clarification… “Baby hooties” are the new members of Chi Omega

    12 years ago at 9:19 pm
    1. GeneralFratton

      Unless its in an actual farm house… Better scope the federal migratory birds act; fuck it, bag the baby hooties.

      12 years ago at 11:19 pm
    2. Fratchelor Pad

      If we are going to discuss bird law i’m going to need my lawyer Charlie Kelly present.

      12 years ago at 11:39 am