Fictional High Schoolers Who Deserve a Bid, Vol. 1

Rob Fox13 years ago

The Guys from “Red Dawn”

What fraternity would pass on signing the greatest fictional patriots of the 1980s? These guys were such a hit that I’m fairly confident somewhere there’s a secret CIA file detailing a mission in which an agent offed a KGB spy and immediately shouted “Wolverines!” The Wolverines, aside from being American heroes, could contribute to a fraternity in many ways. Most of them were athletes, meaning they have the potential to make an immediate impact on the rec sports teams if needed. Furthermore, some of them may even have what it takes to be fraternity president one day. If you’re a good enough leader to teach the chick from “Dirty Dancing” how to effectively wield an assault rifle then you’re probably capable of steering the house GPA north of 3.00. And it’s not like any of them couldn’t deal with blacked out, raging brothers. They’ve handled out of control people before. Whiskey drunk and blood drunk are basically the same thing, right?

The Wolverines would also be expert hazers. After all, they spent their senior year of high school hazing communists straight into eternal hell week. Who wouldn’t want to watch Matt Eckert (aka Charlie Sheen’s character) finish a line and then shout “WOLVERINES!” over a group of pledges doing bows and toes. The only problem with signing the kids from “Red Dawn” is that they probably would not be great pledges themselves. It definitely would not be easy to intimidate them. You think you can just get up in C. Thomas Howell’s grill and make him flinch? Guess again.

Active: You ready for hell week bitches?
Red Dawn Pledge: Hell week? Funny story, that’s what we called that week when the Russians murdered all our grandparents.
Active: Whatever, shut up! I’m gonna make tonight the worst night of your fucking lives!
Red Dawn Pledge 2: Well I once stabbed a Cuban soldier in the throat while he was raping the town florist, so…I doubt it.
Active: I fucking give up.

In the end the pros outweigh the cons. The Wolverines would make a fine addition to any house.

Ryan Atwood, “The OC”

If you can move past the fact that this character is from “The OC,” which I assume many of you actually can’t but whatever, then you will see that Ryan would make a quality fratter. Yes, his mom is a crack whore or something. And yes, his dad was TV’s Hercules, a show whose primary viewership was single women who were too lazy to get off their Hoveround to masturbate. But Ryan Atwood is a fratstar in the rough! He disowned his poor parents and found new, awesome, rich ones. The kind of rich that most of this site’s readers lie about being. His transition to Orange County was rough at first, but eventually he blended just fine into high society. There’s no reason to think he couldn’t do the same in a fraternity. If it were me, I’d sign him just to hang out with Sandy Cohen on Dad’s Weekend.

It’s not just about his new money step parents. He gets good grades, is a good friend, blah blah blah. He’s also pretty handy in a fight, and by pretty handy I mean he’ll knock anyone messing with his friends the fuck out. You can take the white kid who doesn’t even look like he’s from the hood out of the hood, but you can’t take the hood out of him. When the writers of “The OC” couldn’t think of a good ending to an episode they just had Ryan punch someone. There’s no reason you can’t do the same to make some weak formal more enjoyable. Ryan also does well with women. In the words of West Coast Jimmy, HE PULLS! Specifically Mischa Barton, who might have set an annual record for spank bank deposits in 2003. Ryan Atwood, guaranteed fratstar.

Ren McCormack, “Footloose”

Once, Ren McCormack moved to a small, conservative, born again Christian town that had banned dancing and rock music. After a few weeks he had everyone in the town rocking and rolling. If he can make a group of Bible thumpers dance to what I assume they refer to as “black music” then imagine what he can do to your fraternity. I assume because of what he did in “Footloose” he has the power to increase the quality of any party exponentially, no matter what. Planning on getting blackout drunk, doing a few lines, and slamming some sorostitute? Well while you’re “raging” here’s what Ren Motherfucking McCormack is doing. He’s chugging pure grain alcohol while slamming sorostitutes who that very night he got addicted to cocaine, convinced to drop out of school, and start stripping full time in the second floor bathroom. Why the bathroom? Because in Ren McCormack’s world blumpkins are a right, not a privilege. That’s why. In a few weeks everyone will be on his level, and then he’ll raise that level again. I have no idea what else he can offer. I have no idea what else he NEEDS to offer.

As the title of this article states, this is only Volume 1. If you would like to recommend any fictional high schoolers who would make exceptional fraternity men for future editions then send your suggestions to my Twitter account, @BaconTFM.