Fix It or Fuck It, The House Manager’s Dilemma
13 years ago

The modern fraternity house is a rare breed when it comes to maintenance. There aren’t many 40-room houses that host 300 person ragers with ice luges in the hallway. That antique oak wasn’t exactly made for that. However, we have our priorities and no broken furniture or punched-in wall is going to stand in the way of another epic night. We can’t be bothered with structural concerns mid-blackout. Besides, that’s what we elect the house manager for right? And the morning after is always a house manager’s worst nightmare. The first half of the day is usually spent asking questions like “Why’s the flat screen on the porch?” or “Who the fuck threw up in the Intramural Cup Trophy” or “Who threw the damn toilet off the balcony?” or “Why are there so many fireworks in the chapter room?” Most of these questions will never be answered since it’s very unlikely anyone actually remembers what happened the night before. So that leaves us with no culprits and a whole lot of broken shit. The only two solutions to the problem are “Fix it” or “Fuck it” with the latter usually taking the bait.

Fix It

While this is an ever-unpopular option, some things just need to be repaired. You know…smoldering furniture in the fireplace, the water spewing from the missing toilet upstairs, or the three missing steps to the third floor. Experience tells me that all of this will probably get fixed way after it needed to be and most likely well below all standards of quality and safety. But why is that? We have all the necessary means to hire some quality help, yet we choose to rig some shit together with a few 2x4s and some duct tape. The reason is that we just don’t give a fuck. It’s a fraternity house, and it’s supposed to take some wear and tear. If shit’s not broken then we’re just not doing our job. That’s why the fix it option usually comes up short. That leads to the real answer.

Fuck It

As I briefly discussed in the fix it option, most guys really don’t care that there’s broken shit or vomit in the hall as long as they can easily avoid it. The “fuck it” option is a balancing act between making sure not to care too much and ensuring the house is still inhabitable. The mess is never really an issue, since there are always pledges or new initiates that are sure to be handy with a mop. The only problems you can’t say “fuck it” to are the ones that will make you fail fire inspection and quickly become un-housed. Those still aren’t that bad since you can always use the ultimate tool of getting shit done. No not Adderall. I’m talking about delegation. It’s a favorite tool of productivity among politicians and CEOs everywhere. Just find some young guys, ask them if they want to help, and then delegate menial tasks to them until the project magically completes itself.

The beauty of both of these options is that everyone’s happy, and you didn’t really do a goddamn thing. Sounds like the beginning of a great career in politics.