Frat Essentials: The Frathound

jakewgoldman13 years ago

An undying cliché in the United States is that dogs are man’s best friend, and this is understandable for a number of reasons. A dog’s love for his owner is unconditional. If you had a rough day at the office, good ol’ Fido will always be there to greet you at the door with a lick on the face. An unknown author once said, “Dog is man’s best friend because he wags his tail and not his tongue.” This is a saying I find very true. But then there’s another saying I also think holds some merit: if your dog is your best friend, you’re probably a GDI. See, men of the fraternity caliber have not only recognized the benefits of having a canine companion, they have perfected the training of the animal into a fine-tuned tool of many trades. When an independent thinks of a dog, he only sees the possibility of having another living creature pay attention to him. However, when a fraternity man considers a dog he thinks not only of the companionship, but of the possibilities.

First of all, girls love dogs almost as much as Rex Ryan loves feet. A GDI may see my chocolate lab as a simple pet, but I know better. My dog is easily my greatest wingman for middle of the day endeavors. When a lovely lady sporting Norts stops her jog to play with my adorable retriever, he can do all of the things a drunk brother cannot. Most of my brothers can’t manage to keep their tongues in their mouths after a few drinks, it’s a fact of life. Dogs can’t either, but they aren’t expected to, and whose belly is going to be getting rubbed by the sorority girl at the park? Not the blackout pledge brother’s. Furthermore, a dog can roll around in the grass, bark, or even hump the leg of a random girl (although you should train them to refrain from leg rape), and they get away with it under the guise of cuteness. Your brother, unfortunately, cannot.

Dogs also stand for a lot of the traditions we hold dear to our hearts, loyalty being one of the most important. When you’re throwing a rager on the top floor of your house, who do you think is making sure those assholes down the row aren’t stealing composites? Frathound. When you snipe a Mallard out of the sky, who do you think is running through the thick to pick up the dead bird? Frathound. Hell, even the guy on “Swamp People” brings his dog on the boat when he goes gator hunting. Who’s jumping out of the boat to grab the fucking beast himself? Well, it’s not exactly a frathound, but it’s some kind of cajun swamp dog who can’t be blamed for his owner’s bizarre backwoods lifestyle.

Those of us fortunate enough to enjoy this Greek lifestyle don’t need a dog purely for friendship purposes. We don’t have long days at the office (yet), and we don’t need unconditional love. The fact is, your frathound can be a wingman, he can guard your castle, and he sure as hell has the balls to take on any challenge that he faces with his master. As fraternity men, I’m pretty sure we all realize why this is fucking awesome.