Fraternity Torn Apart By Proposed AUX Cord Control Bylaw After Tragic Party Mishap

Dan Regester9 years ago

A proposed bylaw for stricter auxiliary cord regulations during fraternity functions has seemingly split the Beta Gamma Omega chapter at West Palm Beach University in half. After a heated three-hour discussion came to a standstill during a special summer session Monday night, president Montgomery Jeffries tabled the vote until the fall semester as the number of members in town was nowhere close to quorum.

The meeting itself was called in the wake of Thursday night’s brutal murder of good time vibes that led to the mass exodus of 53 potential rushees and every attractive woman in attendance. The triggerman responsible for the atrocious tuneage and unsuspecting party atmosphere slaughter was rising junior Chip Thompson, who assaulted the ears of all of those in attendance with Sam Hunt’s “Make You Miss Me” followed by Chris Young’s “Sober Saturday Night.”

“It was an absolute bloodbath,” said recruitment chair Ryan Dempsey, holding back tears. “We never stood a chance once he hit play.”

Thompson is two weeks removed from a breakup with high school sweetheart Laura “Perky Plums” Patterson and still visibly shaken to his core. Reports say he drank a fifth of Old Crow whiskey straight from the bottle after seeing his former flame hitting it off with pledge brother Kyle “Monster Dong” Matthews.

“Did I tap that?” repeated a befuddled Matthews. “That’s my pledge brother’s ex you’re talking about. We went through hell week together. He took me in to his parents’ home when I was rolling and got lost during Ultra Music Festival. I held him in my arms and was his rock the day his dog Cooper was hit by a university shuttle. I’m insulted you’d even ask me that question. Of course I hit it. Have you seen the knockers on Patterson?”

The tragedy is just the latest of a growing concern amongst the fraternity’s “Open DJ policy.”

“There’s no regulation whatsoever,” chimed in a newly initiated Bryan Morris. “No playlist approval. No keeping guys in check. It’s the wild west over here by the speakers and it needs to change.”

Older members see things differently. Chuck Andrews, 26-year-old graduate brother and still frequent patron of the house during parties, says the policy has been in the bylaws since day one. “Our founding fathers made sure we would never have to face the tyranny of some douchey disc jockey and his monarchy of dance music. It’s our constitutional right to bear arms…wide open by Creed. That’s a classic right there.”

Still, much of the fraternity’s newer generation seems skeptical. “That bylaw was written in 1998. They could barely burn a CD, much less plug and play an endless library of jams,” added social chair Brodie Jacobs. “They would be blown away by the advancements of modern technology. For fuck’s sake, Limewire didn’t even exist at that point.”

Jacobs believes reason can still prevail and compromises will be made despite the house being divided on opposite ends of the spectrum. “I think any sensible person can agree that giving members fully-automatic shuffle play is downright irresponsible. If some lunatic with a terrible taste in tunes gets his hands on the AUX cord and starts rapidly firing out bad song after bad song, the damage done to our image would be utterly reprehensible.”

Andrews is not sold. “Give these cocksuckers an inch, and they’ll ask for the whole mile. I’ll be damned if I can’t throw on some Asia ‘Heat of the Moment’ or some motherfucking Styx. How much longer do I plan to keep coming back to the house? As long as this place is still filled to the rafters with 18 year-old poontang. Not for college days alone, amiright?”

With the majority of upperclassmen and alumni sharing Andrews sentiment, it may be an unsurmountable feat for younger “pro regulation” brothers to overcome in the fall..

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