Freshmen Girls Are The Best Girls

Hans Dix10 years ago

It’s here. After many weeks of fathers waking up in cold sweats every night, their worst nightmare finally manifests itself the morning they have to drive their pure, little princesses down to school. Images of Dan Frockington pouring vodka down his girl’s throat are only made worse by the sight of “Welcome freshmen girls” signs greeting him as he enters campus. As he hugs his daughter goodbye for the last time until Columbus Day, he cries internally, knowing exactly what’s going to occur during the next seven weeks.

As the young men on campus move up in years, friends drop off like flies left and right as they get sucked into the black hole of college relationships. Others may prefer to continue hanging out with their class throughout their college careers, staying within their comfort zone to avoid being shamed by the older crop for daring to go near their babies.

Fuck that.

Freshmen girls are the shit. From their attitudes to their bodies, nothing complements an August night quite like a large group of excited and curious freshmen girls rolling through the house.

As a college man, these are the only four years where going after this crowd of girls is socially acceptable. As if you even needed solid reasons to pursue them, I’ve taken it upon myself to explain why it’s perfectly acceptable to pick up freshmen from day one until graduation.

1. They’re not jaded.

You could take a freshman to a sub-par house party with a half keg and she would still probably tweet about how awesome it was. Unlike the older girls who have seen it all, freshmen are easy to please in almost every aspect. With that, they also have yet to figure out just how desirable they are on campus, especially before sorority rush, so the bar of expectations is set exceedingly low.

Jungle juice? Delicious! Play beer pong? I love it! Only lasted 45 seconds? Best sex of her life. They’re new to the scene, they don’t really know what goes on, and pretty much anything you do on a Friday night at the house is “so college.” They love it, which brings me to my next point…

2. Everything is new and exciting to them.

“What? You have a fish tank? Of course I wanna go see it!”

Cheesy lines that got driven into the ground last year resurrect themselves for fresh use come fall semester. Just being inside a fraternity house, they will feel the need to fire off Instagram photos like a Gatling gun. As long as you have basic skills in entertaining women, the deal is pretty much sealed already.

Not only this, but any sort of step up from their current college experience will leave them wonderstruck. Remember, they live in a whitewashed, concrete box with a POW mattress and a desk, along with a whole other person. That, paired with their current inability to purchase alcohol, makes it incredibly easy to show them a good time.

3. They are drawn to letters.

Given that they have never visited a college campus in the past, everything freshmen girls know about college life comes from movies, TV and probably Cosmo. That said, given our current culture, they associate fraternities almost solely with next level parties full of idiots who sling diesel like gas station attendants. During the first few weeks of school, wearing your letters out and about is a golden way to strike up conversations in any setting, and an even better way to begin racking up numbers for future party invites. If they’re at the house, it isn’t even fish in a barrel anymore. It’s straight up throwing a C4 charge in a one-gallon fish bowl.

4. They are physically fit.

Probably one of the most premier aspects of the lovely new freshmen ladies is that they have yet to wreak havoc on their bodies through heavy drinking and 2 a.m. Taco Bell runs four nights a week. When a girl is coming off four years of vigorous high school athletics, training six days a week paired with not yet having access to the never ending trough that is a college dining hall, you better believe those bodies would smoke the older girls on a PCB stage any day. Be sure to take advantage while it lasts, because the supply dining hall pizza stops for no man.