Fuck Iowa
13 years ago


Oh shit Mitt Romney won the Iowa caucuses, good for him. I’m soooo ecstatic about it. I don’t care about Romney. I’m just glad the months of media attention and millions spent campaigning in Iowa are over. Because it’s the first place to hold something resembling a popular vote so candidates and media outlets start drooling over the Iowa Caucus results, even though they’re often completely worthless. Did you know Fred Thompson of “Law and Order” fame tied with John McCain in 2008…FOR THIRD. Mike Huckabee and his family values (physical fitness of course not being one of them) took the caucus that year. Or how about back in 1992 when political power player Tom Harkin won in a fucking landslide, while Arkansas blow job getter Bill Clinton came in fourth with a measly 3%. You know who was second that year? “Uncommitted,” that’s who.

CNN has been having a field day filming prospective leaders of free world kissing babies in cornfields. Cable news is the worst. The last 6 months have been focused on a state with less than 1% of the convention delegates. So much time spent in such an irrelevant place. Cable news IS the worst. It really is. No one cares about Iowa, not even people FROM Iowa.

The Iowa Caucus has an allure to the candidates (except for Jon Huntsman, who basically told the Iowa Caucus to go fuck itself) because winning it can give them real momentum going forward. They can also get their pictures taken by news outlets pathetically desperate for stories. People laugh at the Republicans for having 8,000 debates up to this point but don’t think for one second that Fox News, CNN, and even liberal power bottom MSNBC weren’t AT LEAST 50% responsible for the wildly unnecessary amount of debates.

Historically the winner of the Iowa caucuses has about a 50/50 shot of grabbing the nomination so, as I said earlier, it’s not really much of a predictor. Why would it be? Iowans are 90% white and 100% from the Midwest, which tells you all you need to know. It takes a special kind of person to purposely live as far as possible from anything relevant and interesting. Not only does Iowa’s population not even come close to representing the U.S. population as a whole, the caucuses were also two hour affairs and didn’t allow absentee voting, further skewing the results. I can’t believe Santorum and Romney can both sit at press conferences and talk about the results as if they are some mandate to the Republican candidacy. They don’t matter! And you tied!

There are some that disagree with this analysis. I’ve divided them into two groups. Proponents from Iowa and proponents not from Iowa (aka: Those employed by CNN, and those running). The latter will argue that the Iowa Caucus helps eliminate the weaker candidates. They kind of have a point, after all Bachmann got railed while Romney, Santorum and Paul did okay. Stunner. Because before the Iowa Caucus started I totally thought Bachmann and her super popular anti-vaccines platform had a realistic shot at winning the presidency and putting Lyle the Effeminate Heterosexual in the White House as America’s first First Man. To be fair though, the first First Man WOULD be someone like Marcus Bachmann. Sadly that was the most realistic part of Michelle Bachmann’s candidacy. The proponents from Iowa essentially just love the attention their desolate patch of lonely cornfield gets every 4 years.

To me these Iowa Caucuses are a giant waste of time. The only ones who benefitted were the news networks and Obama’s campaign. Good job GOP you spent 6 months and $80 million dollars to determine absolutely nothing, and make yourselves look incredibly foolish in the process. It took that long and no one could convince enough voters to actually win the damn thing. Not boding well for 2012. Looks like it’s gonna be 4 more years of the first president with a signature basketball shoe. Actually you know what? There WAS one winner in all this. America. Because Michelle Bachman quit. Now run out there and get vaccinated for HPV ladies, because I don’t want genital warts!

    2. Southern and Proud

      Damn it Omicron, you are really starting to piss me off with this shit. Go out there and try to get your D wet instead of sitting in front of your computer all day you little bitch.

      13 years ago at 7:08 pm
    3. shooter

      I’m going to put this at the top so hopefully this dim-witted fuck can read it.

      I’m honestly surprised that this article even warranted posting. With half of one sentence, you discredited your entire argument: “Historically the winner of the Iowa caucuses has about a 50/50 shot of grabbing the nomination…”

      If someone was running for president and could campaign in a state where, 50% of the time (by your own generalization), the winner of the caucus received his party’s nomination, you’d have to be a fucking idiot not to campaign in that state.

      For starters, Mike Huckabee went on to become the last candidate against McCain for the Republican nomination. He won the Iowa caucus, but not the nomination. (If you’re keeping score, that’s 1 for non-caucus winners). Obama won the Iowa caucus, and his party’s nomination (1 for caucus winners). That puts us at 50/50. So by that logic, you’d be correct in saying that they’re “often completely worthless,” if by “often” you really mean “only half the time.”

      Let’s look back to the 2004 election. John Kerry dumps a ton of money into his campaign in Iowa right before the caucus. Dick Gephardt and Howard Dean both try to fuck each other out of first place with negative campaign ads. John Kerry wins, and Gephardt and Dean quickly drop out. Here’s a little refresher: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yshnhEHBtO4&feature=related
      Kerry goes on to get the nomination (and caucus winners get another point, 2-1).

      1992: Tom Harkin (an Iowa Senator since 1985, and an Iowa Democratic representative for 10 years before that) ran unopposed in Iowa. Clinton spent nothing campaigning in Iowa. That explains the 3% (and puts the score at 2-2).

      I’m done wasting my breath. If you honestly still believe that you’re right in thinking that the Iowa caucuses are “completely worthless” in determining who gets their party’s nomination, click here: http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Iowa_caucuses#Past_winners

      This was easily the stupidest article that has ever been on this website, but I don’t expect you to understand why. Take some laps while you ponder that.

      13 years ago at 11:30 pm
    1. RightAsFuck

      If you’re not first, you’re last. Embarrassingly so. Lace ’em up you mediocre troll.

      13 years ago at 12:56 pm
  5. Mega Frat

    I could give negative fucks about TV news. Chicago trib. and the Wall street are the only papers I need.

    13 years ago at 12:19 pm
    2. TheFratFace1868

      Try hard much?

      Since you’re trying to sound like a badass it would be beneficial to actually name the media outlet most finance professionals trust.

      Bloomberg is where it’s at.

      13 years ago at 1:21 pm
  8. Casey Franthony

    Guvnah. Try writing with out all of the “fucks”. If it’s not funny I would rewrite, because this just sounded like a retarded rant with a lot of try hard fucks.

    13 years ago at 12:21 pm
  11. GWB

    This is gold. Anyone who would vote for Santorum is an evangelical zealot or legally retarded. Hate to say it but Huntsman is the only logical choice (might grudgingly put Romney in there too) and the Right needs to stop shunning intellectual politicians in favor of social conservatives who cant do shit but appeal to people with out a college education.

    13 years ago at 12:27 pm
    4. Old Fratsputin

      Yeah the GOP would have have so much more potential if they didn’t rely so much on the support of jesus freaks. How many republican politicians out there do you think talked some slam into getting the Plan B in college?

      13 years ago at 12:38 pm
    5. Bronan the Barbarian

      I can guarantee you that Gingrich would have, but I doubt it was invented when he was in college. Or at least widely used and over the counter.

      Romney most likely did, he may be a semi-solid politician, but he has “used car salesman” charisma. He would pull a sketchy move like that, especially with how frequently he changes his ideology to fit what the public wants to hear.

      Ron Paul would have legalized it before abortion was legal.

      Michelle Bachmann probably took it one too many times.

      But yea, what the fuck happened to our party? As much as this tends to be a liberal thing, I blame Bush for where we are as a party right now. He brought the evangelicals into the main fold of the party, gave them nice power positions and helped them get elected across the country though his PAC. We aren’t a theocracy, we’re a secular state. The party seems to have lost sight of that.

      13 years ago at 1:12 pm
    6. Frattery

      Agreed. So many Republicans would rather put a brain-dead monkey like Perry into the White House than deal with those scary “intellectuals,” it’s fucking depressing.

      I really like Huntsman, but he doesn’t have the political machine to pull it off this year. I think Romney is the best non-insane-evangelical candidate with the best chance of winning.

      13 years ago at 2:55 am