Fuck Iowa

The Guvnah13 years ago

Oh shit Mitt Romney won the Iowa caucuses, good for him. I’m soooo ecstatic about it. I don’t care about Romney. I’m just glad the months of media attention and millions spent campaigning in Iowa are over. Because it’s the first place to hold something resembling a popular vote so candidates and media outlets start drooling over the Iowa Caucus results, even though they’re often completely worthless. Did you know Fred Thompson of “Law and Order” fame tied with John McCain in 2008…FOR THIRD. Mike Huckabee and his family values (physical fitness of course not being one of them) took the caucus that year. Or how about back in 1992 when political power player Tom Harkin won in a fucking landslide, while Arkansas blow job getter Bill Clinton came in fourth with a measly 3%. You know who was second that year? “Uncommitted,” that’s who.

CNN has been having a field day filming prospective leaders of free world kissing babies in cornfields. Cable news is the worst. The last 6 months have been focused on a state with less than 1% of the convention delegates. So much time spent in such an irrelevant place. Cable news IS the worst. It really is. No one cares about Iowa, not even people FROM Iowa.

The Iowa Caucus has an allure to the candidates (except for Jon Huntsman, who basically told the Iowa Caucus to go fuck itself) because winning it can give them real momentum going forward. They can also get their pictures taken by news outlets pathetically desperate for stories. People laugh at the Republicans for having 8,000 debates up to this point but don’t think for one second that Fox News, CNN, and even liberal power bottom MSNBC weren’t AT LEAST 50% responsible for the wildly unnecessary amount of debates.

Historically the winner of the Iowa caucuses has about a 50/50 shot of grabbing the nomination so, as I said earlier, it’s not really much of a predictor. Why would it be? Iowans are 90% white and 100% from the Midwest, which tells you all you need to know. It takes a special kind of person to purposely live as far as possible from anything relevant and interesting. Not only does Iowa’s population not even come close to representing the U.S. population as a whole, the caucuses were also two hour affairs and didn’t allow absentee voting, further skewing the results. I can’t believe Santorum and Romney can both sit at press conferences and talk about the results as if they are some mandate to the Republican candidacy. They don’t matter! And you tied!

There are some that disagree with this analysis. I’ve divided them into two groups. Proponents from Iowa and proponents not from Iowa (aka: Those employed by CNN, and those running). The latter will argue that the Iowa Caucus helps eliminate the weaker candidates. They kind of have a point, after all Bachmann got railed while Romney, Santorum and Paul did okay. Stunner. Because before the Iowa Caucus started I totally thought Bachmann and her super popular anti-vaccines platform had a realistic shot at winning the presidency and putting Lyle the Effeminate Heterosexual in the White House as America’s first First Man. To be fair though, the first First Man WOULD be someone like Marcus Bachmann. Sadly that was the most realistic part of Michelle Bachmann’s candidacy. The proponents from Iowa essentially just love the attention their desolate patch of lonely cornfield gets every 4 years.

To me these Iowa Caucuses are a giant waste of time. The only ones who benefitted were the news networks and Obama’s campaign. Good job GOP you spent 6 months and $80 million dollars to determine absolutely nothing, and make yourselves look incredibly foolish in the process. It took that long and no one could convince enough voters to actually win the damn thing. Not boding well for 2012. Looks like it’s gonna be 4 more years of the first president with a signature basketball shoe. Actually you know what? There WAS one winner in all this. America. Because Michelle Bachman quit. Now run out there and get vaccinated for HPV ladies, because I don’t want genital warts!