Funniest Girl Alive Sues Johnny Manziel For Sexual Harassment, Says He Has A Tiny Dick (And Much More)
10 years ago

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The following tweet hit the web this morning.

The plaintiff’s name is Samantha Schacher, and if you believe everything she claims in this lawsuit, then Johnny Manziel is guilty of the following:

    • perpetually and egregiously harassing Ms. Schacher while at Texas A&M
    • having a 4.5-inch dick, which he is very proud of
    • sending Ms. Schacher numerous photos of his dick
    • sending Ms. Schacher a photo of his dick placed inside a hot dog bun and calling it a Vienna sausage
    • sending Ms. Schacher a photo of his erect dick next to a ruler, showing a measurement of 4.5 inches with the caption “You know you want me, Samantha”
    • wanting to have a threesome with Dr. Drew.
    • admitting to taking steroids and lifting weights
    • possessing and sharing a photo of Jadeveon Clowney’s 9-inch penis, and referring to it as a “monster”
    • smoking pot in the locker room before games while Skyping with Ms. Schacher
    • receiving inappropriate benefits from the A&M coaching staff
    • cheating on college exams
    • trying to convince Ms. Schacher to strip for him and Lebron at Lebron’s “crib”
    • wanting to get penis enlargement surgery so he can be Ms. Schacher’s “Long John Silver”

Samantha Schacher seeks $25,000,000 in punitive damages and a restraining order against Manziel. It’s all in the below document, which has officially been filed with the United States District Court.

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Look, the bitch is crazy, right? Or maybe she’s a hilarious genius that played this thing perfectly–making the claims so outrageous that no one believes them, yet so funny that everyone reads them anyway. You can’t deny she’s got talent. A threesome with Dr. Fucking Drew? That’s gold.

  2. Fratalee Holloway

    Can you get rid of the GODDAMN KLONDIKE AD that is in the middle of the MOTHERFUCKING PAGE. Jesus, Dorn. You guys sold your soul for a Klondike Bar.

    10 years ago at 12:03 pm
  3. Asian Guy

    You’d think that people would proofread documents they submit to court… but then again its A&M.

    10 years ago at 12:24 pm
  4. Southern_DChi

    “I had to see a psychologist because I have nightmares of Manziel’s penis”

    10 years ago at 12:35 pm
  7. VermontStrokes

    I think we should all notice that in the “official” complaint, it states that he “put a hot dog bun between his penis”.

    10 years ago at 2:32 pm
  8. WillFratsbyMcCormick

    Is TFM run by gullible amateurs?

    1. A legal document would be formatted “last name, first name” not vice-versa

    2. Why would this be in a district court in Florida? When neither parties are associated or live in the state, then list her address as a Georgia address when she lives in California and works for CNN?

    3. A legal document would not use shortened names like “Johnny” and would include middle initials.

    I mean shit, how impressionable are we to actually think this would even be remotely legit?

    10 years ago at 2:45 pm
    1. OMFratRebel

      It’s become apparent that this site’s satirical and comedic nature is unbeknownst to you. Your act of construing such lampoonery in such a solemn manner has imparted unto us your credulity towards satire. In other words, learn what a fucking joke is, then try laughing at one.

      10 years ago at 1:43 am
  11. GeauxFauxYourself

    Samantha Schacher as in Samantha Shacker. Am I the first person to see this? The lawsuit is b.s. Any Year 1 would know that.

    10 years ago at 6:28 pm