Give Me Back My Security Deposit, You Bloodsucking Monsters

Dent7 years ago

Just over a year ago, I submitted to TFM a column that I had written in a blind rage about how college bookstores are the ultimate centers of greed. That column was posted and eventually led to my writing for this site, but that’s neither here nor there.

The point is that I used to think bookstores were the worst places on earth. But now that I’m a year wiser, I would like to humble myself before you all and admit that I made a mistake. Bookstores are not the ultimate centers of greed. The true centers of greed? Leasing companies that cater to college students. Fuck you people.

Like most people, I’ve had my fair share of dickhead landlords. Folks slinging totally bullshit fines, referencing ticky tack provisions in the lease agreement designed to screw with me, etc. But it wasn’t until recently that I came face to face with just how truly scummy these people can be. Here’s how it went down.

My roommates and I had been anxiously awaiting the arrival of our security deposit after moving out of our house over a month ago. Like most college students, we didn’t leave the place perfect. There were a few dings and scratches and maybe a hole in the wall where the party got weird, but that’s what a security deposit is for.

Our security deposit was a full $2300 buckaroos, so it was reasonable to assume that even with a few damages taken out, a good chunk of change was coming back to us. And, like most college kids, we were literally banking on receiving that money. Well, yesterday afternoon we finally did get our security deposit back — in the form of a BILL for $700.

Not only are these animals not going to give us our deposit back, but they’re saying we owe them??? These people decided that they were just going to casually tack us with three THOUSAND dollars in damages like that’s not an insane thing to do. Then, as if that’s not enough, they had the balls to send an itemized list with things like the following:

Overgrown Lawn – $250

Shocking that the grass would not magically stop growing after we moved out. Totally reasonable to charge us for that.

Cracked Refrigerator Crisper Drawer – $250

Pretty sure I could replace the whole fridge for that price.

And my personal favorite…

Removal of Trash: 2 Men 2 Hours – $450

This one really put me on edge. I know for a fact that the only trash left on the premises was a few things put in the dumpster outside. You’re telling me that it took a couple of guys HOURS to take trash bags out of a dumpster??? What kind of unmotivated trash bags of human beings do you have working for you that it takes them that long to complete such a small task? They could literally have had me buy a dog, train it to remove trash, then have it remove the trash and I’d have been out of there in less time and for less money.

But as much as all of the above infuriates me, it’s not even what I am mostly upset about. I learned a long time ago that people ain’t shit, and that they will try to fuck you at every turn. The reason I’m truly angry is that I didn’t get my money’s worth.

Had I known that these charges were going to be levied regardless, I would have thrown down a million times harder. I would have smashed every window, put a hole in every wall… Hell, I would have left barrels of trash had I known that I was going to be charged for it.

To all you landlords out there, let me be totally clear about something: I don’t hate you because you use the threat of bad credit and litigation to eke every last dollar out of broke college students who can’t afford it; I hate you because you don’t let us know ahead of time that that’s the endgame so that we can plan accordingly. Just be more transparent, that’s all. Let us know that you’re fucking us. We’re just dumb kids; we’ll probably still go along with it anyway.

And to all of you kids out there who are entering into leases that you surely will not read: I hope the next time you second guess throwing a rager, playing paintball in the house, or turning the basement into a fully operational underground casino, you think about this column. They’re probably going to charge you anyway, so you might as well have some fun..