GOP Candidate Pros and Cons
13 years ago

So the GOP debate is tonight. You picked anyone yet? I hear the Vegas over/under on the number of times Ron Paul gets cut off by a moderator is 7.8. To help everyone understand this year’s crop of candidates, here’s a breakdown of their pros and cons.

Rick Perry

Pros: Texan. Has a signature handgun modeled after the one he used to kill a coyote while he was out jogging.

Cons: We don’t even know if he’s fucking running.

 

Jon Huntsman Jr.

Pros: Ambassador to China. Used to be in a rock band.

Cons: He’s a Mormon. Mormons creep me out.

 

Tim Pawlenty

Pros: I haven’t heard anything bad about him?

Cons: Cornbread is more entertaining to listen to than him.

 

Michelle Bachman

Pro: Super hot. Her crazy eyes say “I will go nuts on your dick.”

Cons: She’s absolutely batshit crazy and completely inarticulate. But you know…tits.

 

Mitt Romney

Pros: Executive experience. Good speaking skills. Solid charisma. Great genes.

Cons: Healthcare background and/or Mormonism.

 

Ron Paul

Pros: Consistency of views. Loves to party (probably). Is good at lecturing about Austrian economics.

Cons: No one takes him seriously. Is good at lecturing about Austrian economics.

 

Newt Gingrich

Pros: Strong moral views.

Cons: Lifestyle completely negates strong moral views.

 

Herman Cain

Pros: Business experience. Connections with Little Caesar’s (we can drop the deficit by serving discounted pizzas at all White House functions).

Cons: I’m not entirely sure I’ve ever heard him directly answer a question.

 

Rick Santorum

Pros: Um…he authored the National Weather Service Duties Act of 2005?

Cons: Every answer he’s ever given sounds like it came from a “So You Wanna Be a Republican” brochure.

 

I suppose we’ll know more once the debate is over and some of the “you’re not the real conservative, I am” dust has settled. Can any of them galvanize a divided party into beating Obama in 2012? Maybe. Hopefully the debate will allow us to drop the less articulate (but infuriatingly popular) candidates once everyone realizes they’re idiots. After that, maybe we can have a candid discussion of what our goals should be.

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  2. jimmy_broffett

    I think Rick Perry is the only person with the ability to beat Obama. I will back any republican candidate, however I don’t see any of the other candidates having enough “swagger” to make any significant changes in the next 4 year term.

    13 years ago at 12:26 pm
  5. Sperrys_andpearls

    So I really am hoping and praying that Rick Perry decides to run, but I think an LDS president wouldn’t be a terrible thing. My father grew up in a tiny town where 90% of the population was LDS, and although some of their ideas are a little wacky, they are usually pretty great (though kinda boring) people.

    13 years ago at 4:46 pm
  6. Hadrian

    Rick Perry is an awesome guy and everything, but he would run our country’s education system even farther into the ground than it already is. His low tax policies have been great for job creation in Texas, but it has all come at the expense of an enormous loss in funding for public education and has led to tens of thousands of layoffs for teachers and other government employees, and schools’ budgets have dropped like rocks. The last thing we need in this country is a lower level of education among the general population.

    13 years ago at 8:01 pm
  7. Fratepedia

    Would I go drinking with Perry? Hell yes.
    Would I go dove hunting with Perry? Of course.
    But I cant honestly in good intentions elect Rick Perry with a report card like his. Sure I will elect a fellow brother to run for chariman of tailgating who struggles with grades..but there is no way in hell I am electing the president of the United States who could not even make an A, at a dump like Texas A&M.

    13 years ago at 10:14 pm
  10. PursuitOfFratiness

    Vote for absolute liberty and true American ideals in 2012. The only person that can deliver on those two things is Dr. Ron Paul. I know him personally, he’s delivered like 2,000 babies in my hometown, and the man is in another league when it comes to how politics work. Join the Revolution.

    13 years ago at 12:35 pm
  11. Keggy

    I don’t like Perry. He caters too much to the religious right. What’s with this nonsense of him leading a “prayer rally” in Houston? It sounds like something out of Iran. I want to have a President, not an Ayatollah.

    13 years ago at 3:31 pm