GOP vs. Obamanation: Part 1

The Guvnah13 years ago

We can debate policies and platforms until we’re blue in the face but at the end of the day that shit doesn’t matter. Well, it matters to the small percentage of us who actually know what’s going on, but when it comes to determining the outcome of an election, a candidates political beliefs are more irrelevant than a Spring pledge. If sound politics were the key to the Presidency the good Dr. Paul from Texas would’ve won twenty years ago, but they aren’t and he didn’t so here we are.

The question conservative voters are wrestling with isn’t “Who do I want to be president?” but rather “Who the fuck can beat Obama?” Admittedly a bad way to choose the next leader of the free world but, this is America and we do whatever we want. Just ask Bin Laden.

Before we can figure out who can beat Obama lets recap his key’s to victory from 2008. Why did Obama win?

Sarah Palin: She’s first on this list for a reason, I hold her at least 70% responsible for Obama’s victory. Now John McCain wasn’t terrible. Sure, he was a 70 year old part time liberal dealing with a 40 year case of post traumatic stress disorder from Nam, but he had a shot…at least until Palin. Sarah Palin was the nail in the coffin for McCain. Politics aside, McCain had the war hero thing going for him, and Americans love war heroes. But when McCain announced Palin as his running mate, it was greeted overwhelmingly with, “Are you fucking serious”? The legions of house wives that make up the Sarah Palin Fan Club (a.k.a Anyone who watched “Sarah Palin’s Alaska) might disagree, but I’m talking about people that matter. And people that matter saw it for what it was. A terribly disguised PR stunt. I mean come on. We’re supposed to believe that he chose a hot milf governor from the alleged “state” of Alaska with a conveniently inspirational (to women) story because she was the most qualified? Please. It might not have been that bad if the chances of McCain living through his presidency weren’t hovering around 1/1.

He wasn’t George Bush: Most people on this site have some love for good old Dubya, but in 2008 approximately 80% of the country didn’t share our sentiment. The key to winning was to be the least like Bush as possible, and Obama passed with flying colors. Based on my research I came up with the detailed comparison below.

George- Texas, baseball owner, plays golf, Presidential legacy, just plain awesome. FaF.

Barack- Hawaii, Community organizer (whatever the fuck that is), plays basketball, sucks. NF.

As clearly illustrated by the chart above, you can see he still is not George Bush. Not sure that matters but for our sake let’s hope it doesn’t.

If I see one more picture of the garden that replaced GW’s White House putting green I’m going to have to sacrifice the fat pledge to appease the gods that were angered by the blasphemy of that bullshit vegetable garden. Why the fuck does the white house need a vegetable garden? Was Obama really that concerned about the availability of produce in our nations capital? Everyone knows how hard it is to find a cucumber in DC. Okay I know I’m ranting, but god damn it I hate that fucking garden.

Speeches: The spoken word is king in American politics and Obama can really talk. That platform of hope and change wouldn’t have been effective without Obama’s ability to sound like the savior of America in every sound bite. He ran on a platform of wealth redistribution and nationalized healthcare (AKA: Socialist Bullshit) and still won. He wasn’t even sneaky about it. I guess to some mindless drones he just sounds so damn good that they agree with him even when he’s wrong.

This also has not changed for 2012. Barack is a political powerhouse. Regardless of how you feel about him, this guy knows how to play ball. This election cannot be won by attacking Obama. I think Donald Trump agrees. Obama shut down his campaign with a joke at a correspondence dinner.

I know the outlook might look grim but all hope is not lost. If Clinton can get his dick sucked in the Oval office and still get reelected then the we still have a shot to defeat the liberal antichrist.