GOP vs. Obamanation: Part 1
13 years ago

We can debate policies and platforms until we’re blue in the face but at the end of the day that shit doesn’t matter. Well, it matters to the small percentage of us who actually know what’s going on, but when it comes to determining the outcome of an election, a candidates political beliefs are more irrelevant than a Spring pledge. If sound politics were the key to the Presidency the good Dr. Paul from Texas would’ve won twenty years ago, but they aren’t and he didn’t so here we are.

The question conservative voters are wrestling with isn’t “Who do I want to be president?” but rather “Who the fuck can beat Obama?” Admittedly a bad way to choose the next leader of the free world but, this is America and we do whatever we want. Just ask Bin Laden.

Before we can figure out who can beat Obama lets recap his key’s to victory from 2008. Why did Obama win?

Sarah Palin: She’s first on this list for a reason, I hold her at least 70% responsible for Obama’s victory. Now John McCain wasn’t terrible. Sure, he was a 70 year old part time liberal dealing with a 40 year case of post traumatic stress disorder from Nam, but he had a shot…at least until Palin. Sarah Palin was the nail in the coffin for McCain. Politics aside, McCain had the war hero thing going for him, and Americans love war heroes. But when McCain announced Palin as his running mate, it was greeted overwhelmingly with, “Are you fucking serious”? The legions of house wives that make up the Sarah Palin Fan Club (a.k.a Anyone who watched “Sarah Palin’s Alaska) might disagree, but I’m talking about people that matter. And people that matter saw it for what it was. A terribly disguised PR stunt. I mean come on. We’re supposed to believe that he chose a hot milf governor from the alleged “state” of Alaska with a conveniently inspirational (to women) story because she was the most qualified? Please. It might not have been that bad if the chances of McCain living through his presidency weren’t hovering around 1/1.

He wasn’t George Bush: Most people on this site have some love for good old Dubya, but in 2008 approximately 80% of the country didn’t share our sentiment. The key to winning was to be the least like Bush as possible, and Obama passed with flying colors. Based on my research I came up with the detailed comparison below.

George- Texas, baseball owner, plays golf, Presidential legacy, just plain awesome. FaF.

Barack- Hawaii, Community organizer (whatever the fuck that is), plays basketball, sucks. NF.

As clearly illustrated by the chart above, you can see he still is not George Bush. Not sure that matters but for our sake let’s hope it doesn’t.

If I see one more picture of the garden that replaced GW’s White House putting green I’m going to have to sacrifice the fat pledge to appease the gods that were angered by the blasphemy of that bullshit vegetable garden. Why the fuck does the white house need a vegetable garden? Was Obama really that concerned about the availability of produce in our nations capital? Everyone knows how hard it is to find a cucumber in DC. Okay I know I’m ranting, but god damn it I hate that fucking garden.

Speeches: The spoken word is king in American politics and Obama can really talk. That platform of hope and change wouldn’t have been effective without Obama’s ability to sound like the savior of America in every sound bite. He ran on a platform of wealth redistribution and nationalized healthcare (AKA: Socialist Bullshit) and still won. He wasn’t even sneaky about it. I guess to some mindless drones he just sounds so damn good that they agree with him even when he’s wrong.

This also has not changed for 2012. Barack is a political powerhouse. Regardless of how you feel about him, this guy knows how to play ball. This election cannot be won by attacking Obama. I think Donald Trump agrees. Obama shut down his campaign with a joke at a correspondence dinner.

I know the outlook might look grim but all hope is not lost. If Clinton can get his dick sucked in the Oval office and still get reelected then the we still have a shot to defeat the liberal antichrist.

  2. JakeD

    I once approved of Obama, but after seeing his terrible leadership and failed policies, the thought of another 4 years with him makes me cringe. The key to a Republican candidate is that he will need to be able to pull in independents. Yes, I said “he” because Michele Bachman doesn’t have a remote chance. Obama is currently one of the weakest candidates for president that the Democratic party has ever had. Obama has drove this country’s economy into the shitter and has spent billions on wars that he vowed to leave. If the Republican party doesn’t find a nominee that can beat his spineless ass, I’d really be worried.

    13 years ago at 6:45 am
  4. Braxton Bragg

    “Okay I know I’m ranting, but god damn it I hate that fucking garden.” hahaha cracked me up

    13 years ago at 12:21 pm
    1. MightBePike

      That, my good sir, is photoshop. And I’d know; I’ve seen some photoshop in my day.

      13 years ago at 6:09 pm
    1. USS Hazer

      Yeah, you already said that you douchebag. And how is he an “Uncle Tom”? Because he’s a successful black man who doesn’t worship at Obama’s alter?

      13 years ago at 3:59 pm
  7. Gov_Lester Maddox

    “The key to winning was to be the least like Bush as possible, and Obama passed with flying colors.” – No, that coon passed with a flying ‘color’. That color is Black. Very fucking black.

    13 years ago at 4:19 pm
    1. Danny Devitbro

      You should look at Cand C’s description of Republican voters (scroll down). You are definitetly the latter.

      13 years ago at 12:14 pm
    2. Gov_Lester Maddox

      you are a pussy ass spear thowing monkey. Have another banana and go watch a MLK documentary. Fuck you and your black brothers.

      13 years ago at 7:26 pm
  8. CandC

    I agree that Palin was the overwhelming reason McCain lost. I agree that Obama also won because he was the exact opposite of Bush. Unfortunately, it’s going to stay like that in my opinion for a while:

    People in the USA are becoming more and more aware of the fact that the country has wealth distribution on par with African warlord/despot hotbeds (wiki global wealth distribution if you think I’m bullshitting you, you’re in for a surprise). The poor and middle class make up the vast majority of the voter base. Until the disparity is fixed, the ONLY people who are going to vote Republican are the upper class (read: people trying to save their wealth in tax breaks and subsidies) and people who fall into the “socially conservative” sector (read: blatant racists, hillbillies, Bible-thumpers, etc.) Face it, and until you agree, the Republican party will stay lost at sea, unaware of who the hell they’re even representing these days.

    For that reason, Obama and the Dem’s “Bullshit Socialism” etc. sounds pretty damn good to the average guy–“those rich pigs get less money and I get more? Just fine with me!”

    The Tea Party nutjobs outnumber the upper class in terms of voters by a long shot–if Republicans didn’t also run on a socially conservative platform, they’d never be elected again because they would out that segment of their voters. Think of it this way, Romney said he believed global warming was augmented by human activity. When his closet competitor Perry (Bachmann will never win, so help me God) publicly said that he did not believe a connection between increased temperatures and human activity existed, Romney did a double-take and redacted his statement, saying something to the effect of “all the facts aren’t in yet.” Do you think he actually changed his mind? Of course not! He recognizes that the important majority of the Republican voter base is full of utter morons, and he has to appear just as blind to science as his competitors in order to stay competitive (at least until more candidates drop).

    13 years ago at 5:14 pm
  9. Peyton Fratting

    Fact: Ugly women hate Palin because she is a ten.
    (being stupid and leaving her governor post/publicity stunts aside…aka being a woman)

    I wish every sorority girl was like her minus the political ambition.

    And if you disagree, you are trying way too hard/are a lib. geed.

    13 years ago at 2:14 am
    2. Gov_Lester Maddox

      ^agreed. Her legs look like a pillow case pull of pennies and cottage cheese. and fuck Alaska.

      13 years ago at 7:28 pm
  10. EricHo

    I’m a phi delt alumni from Union College and karate frat bro. Follow my twitter @EricHoRaw

    13 years ago at 10:07 pm