Hop Aboard The Carbon Express

Jobu677 years ago

The waning of summer months typically see me enter an alcohol-fueled binge different than any other. You’ve all heard the common hangover mantra “The best way to detox is to retox,” right? Right. This is essentially a microcosm of my mindset when summer ends; my liver is already corrupt like Joe Kennedy circa 1920 or some shit, so why not sell it to the Devil at this point in the calendar?

But this past year, did the summer really end when we thought? Normally by mid-October in the great state of Massachusetts, my nuts are pre-pubescent size, there is a permanent substance dripping from my nose, and my first step outside every morning lands me on my ass with coffee spilt all over me before my neighbor witnesses a new form of air punching, curse-riddled kung fu. But in 2017’s mid-October, I woke up 15 fucking minutes earlier just to defrost my fucking windshield when I stopped. Puzzled, I noticed it wasn’t sub-40 degrees, but a warm 70? I took off my 30 layer insulated parka and went on with my day not fall-winter drunk, but a cool summer drunk. This was par for the course for much of this winter (until the lame-ass “bomb cyclone“)

With all the hate nowadays for those leaving a sizable carbon footprint that comes from the people who drive to Whole Foods every day and attend climate change meetings just to criticize everyone else, I say “fuck you” in the kindest way possible. What these people don’t understand is that if we as a species work to stop the phenomenon known as climate change, we will go back to having more days each year that see us give up “feel good” drunk for “I’m Sugar Ray Robinson and that wall is talking shit” plastered. I say climate change isn’t a myth; it’s a godsend.

If we keep working to combat climate change, not only will we go back to where we were back in the day, but there is a strong possibility we could re-enter the Ice Age. We know greenhouse gasses and carbon emissions can cause weather extremes in both directions, which is why they give us some of those beautiful end-of-the-year days. Alternatively, as an amateur scientist I believe that stopping them from doing their jobs only has the capability of making the world colder. It’s true (maybe).

So to conclude, we have been wrong about climate change so far. What is presented as a detriment to the human race is really just an extension of the summer months. All those working against climate change are either the uninformed masses or behind some political plot to reenter the Ice Age so we can harvest organs from wooly mammoths and put them in cavemen.

If putting out a larger carbon footprint gives me two more months of summer, I’m trading in my 11.5 Sauconys for a new pair of size 22 Shaquille O’Neal Reeboks..

Image via Shutterstock