How The Grinch Stole Sigma Nu’s Christmas

CollegeVisits12 years ago

Almost five years ago to the day, a horrific crime was committed at the University of Kansas. The Sigma Nu fraternity’s Christmas tree was targeted, taken, and ravaged. The atrocity sent shockwaves through campus, or it would have had most students not already left for Christmas break. But it was still pretty fucked up. The miscreants who defiled the spirit of Christmas on that chilly December night were never identified or punished, but I was able to anonymously interview them to give you a brief history of the scandal. Names have obviously been changed to protect the guilty, but the tale they weave is one of adventure, lust and violence. I present to you the telling of the night the Grinch stole Sigma Nu’s Christmas.

King (former chapter president, and leader of the Sigma Nu hate group) – “The Sigma Nu house was right down the block from us. The buffer zone between our house and theirs was our favorite sorority, an asset we controlled yet the Snakes were trying to steal. The real hatred began when their pledges stole our flag. These clowns had just returned to campus after a lengthy probation, and they clearly didn’t know who the big dog on the block was.”

Psycho T (new initiate, looking to earn a name for himself) – “All I know is the King hated the Sigma Nu’s. They also had a wire snowman wrapped with Christmas lights that sat on their rear balcony. Anyone driving by could see it, and we coveted it from first glance. The only issue was it was on the second story, and there was no way we could get there from entering the front door.”

Lawman (also a new initiate) – “One of our pledge brothers had borrowed his dad’s ladder to hang Christmas lights on our house. It had been sitting by our tool shed for a couple weeks, unused. It looked to be just the right height for reaching their rear balcony, and the snowman who the Snakes believed to be well out of reach.”

Bones (King’s roommate, and general psychopath) – “We were going to steal that fucking snowman.”

King – “It was the Thursday of finals week, and basically everyone on campus had already finished and returned home for Christmas break. It was too cold to walk to the bars, and all the girls had left school anyway, so the last night of the semester was spent getting rip-roaring drunk at the house with the guys who hadn’t left town yet. Everyone had some beer and liquor they wanted to finish before leaving, so we were downing a disgusting mix of whiskey, rum, beer, and tequila. When guys get drunk and there are no girls around, we still have to find some action.”

Lawman – “Psycho T and I split a bottle of Kentucky Deluxe between us. I had seen King and Bones patrolling the house, each time with a different drink. The fourth or fifth time I saw them, they were recruiting guys to try and help them steal Sigma Nu’s snowman.”

Psycho T – “The ladder was still out back, and we suggested carrying it over to Sigma Nu, and stowing it outside while we confirmed the house was empty. We carried the ladder over there, through the snow, and deposited it near the balcony. After some reconnaissance, we determined the house to be practically deserted. The only people who would witness the theft would be anyone that drove by on the street and saw the drunken assholes climbing a ladder in the snow.”

King – “Bones was the first one up the ladder, followed by Psycho T. Lawman and I held it steady. Looking back, it’s amazing that we considered safety when we were trying to drunkenly steal a snowman. “

Psycho T – “We got to the balcony, and all we had to do was unplug the snowman and toss it over the rail. Then, we could grab it and the ladder and get back to headquarters. But, there was a problem.”

Bones – “Those fuckers had nailed it to some huge wooden box.”

Psycho T – “We tried to pry the nails loose to no avail. We considered tossing the snowman over the rail, still attached to the box, but it was too heavy. We saw car lights turn up the street, and we knew it was some Snakes returning home. “

Lawman – “The Sigma Nus clearly saw us using a ladder to climb up to their balcony. Bones and Psycho T slid down the ladder, fireman style, and we all hot-footed it back to our house.”

King – “After several more drinks, we came up with a new plan. If we couldn’t get the snowman, we could sure-as-shit steal the Christmas tree that sat in their bay window.”

Psycho T – “We’d lost our ladder during the first failed theft, so this time failure was not an option. King and Bones thought we could break a window and enter the house that way, but I tried the door handle first and it swung wide open. The only thing between us and their tree was ten feet of hardware floor.”

Lawman – “Psycho T and I entered first, while Bones came in after us. He was very loud, obviously hoping we’d be discovered and have to fight out way out.”

Bones – “I wanted the Christmas tree less than I wanted to punch one of them in the fucking face.”

King – “Psycho T picked up the Christmas tree, loaded with a lights and ornaments. He tried to carry it to the door, but he was hung up. The thing was still plugged in.”

Psycho T – “Looking back on it, this is where we really fucked up. Lawman could have easily unplugged the lights from the outlet. But, we were in such a fucking hurry that we just yanked the whole tree, removing the cord from the outlet, and sending a shower of glass ornaments crashing to the floor. Any possibility of escaping quietly was shot.”

Lawman – “We all ran down the street, King out front, Bones and me behind, and Psycho T bringing up the rear. He was holding on to the Christmas tree like a football and he was running for the winning score. Ornaments, tinsel, and lights were falling off it with every step. We left a clear trail from their house to our front door.”

King – “We hid the tree somewhere and got back to drinking. Not knowing we’d left a trail, we basked in the glory of our successful kidnapping. Then Shithead walked in the room.”

Shithead (current chapter president) – “I had some high school friends who were Sigma Nus, and they called me and said some guys from our house had stolen their Christmas tree, and that the evidence led right to our front door. They were waiting outside.”

Psycho T – “The five of us walked outside, and on our porch were about a dozen pissed off Snakes. They said they knew it was us that tried to steal their snowman and DID steal the tree. They were offering a prisoner exchange, our ladder for their tree. If we didn’t want to negotiate, they said they’d kick our asses and take the tree back themselves. We were outnumbered three-to-one, but we stood a chance because we had Bones.”

Bones – “It’s easy to feel confident right before a fight if you’re holding a claw hammer in your hand.”

Lawman – “Shithead interjected on our part and said we’d give them the tree back if they brought back the ladder. They all left our house to get the ladder, and no punches, or hammers, were thrown.”

King – “Bones and I went inside to get the tree from where we’d stashed it. It was just completely wrecked, with most of the decorations missing and limbs broken and hanging off. It was impossible to carry without pieces falling everywhere. So, we shoved it an empty box leftover from our plastic tree.”

Bones – “And then I pissed all over that fucking thing.”

King – “I think it made the tree look more natural, like dew or melting snowflakes. We left the box in our yard and went back to drinking.”

Psycho T – “So ends the night the Grinch stole Sigma Nu’s Christmas. We had several more run-ins over the years with the jerkoffs down the block, but nothing that brought us together in the holiday spirit quite like that night.”

Bones – “Merry Christmas to all, and to all a good fucking night.”

Read more from CollegeVisits at CollegeVisits.org, and follow him on Twitter @College_Visits.