How To Actually Get Butt Stuff, From A Girl’s Perspective
11 years ago

How to Actually Get Butt Stuff From a Female Perspective

Ever since I started writing for this educational website, I have seen the term “butt stuff.” A lot. At first, I laughed and fondly thought, “boys will be boys.” Then, I started getting comments on my TFM articles…about butt things you wanted to do to me. Still, I brushed it aside and gave you the benefit of the doubt. I mean, who was I, a woman with lady parts, to come over to the guy side and tell you how to live your life? I was just asking for butt-related comments.

But then, it happened: the breaking point. Some of you persistent fellows made your way over to TSM to leave butt-related comments on my heartfelt articles about sisterly love, naked pillow fights, and when it’s okay to make out with your sister (yes, that’s what we talk about there, duh). So, okay. I’ll wave the white flag. Since you seem totally serious about this butt stuff, I’ve decided to take the dick by the balls and give you want you want.

Here it is, guys: how to actually get butt stuff.

Don’t Let Her See It

Nothing is more terrifying to a girl than anal porn. Seriously. I’ll take Ebola over anal porn. The guys are just slamming these giant cocks in tight little assholes, and then, naturally, they come all over the eager girls’ faces (put your boners down). End scene. Yeah. That’s just going to make her pass out, and if she passes out, it’s non-consensual. And that’s bad, okay? Never, I repeat, NEVER let her see anal porn.

Barter With Her

This isn’t always foolproof, but 60 percent of the time, it works every time. Is there a boy-band concert she wants to see? How about a necklace that is way, way out of your price range? Does she want to “make things official”? Consider making a deal with her. You’ll give her what she wants if she gives you an all-access pass to her back door. Any level-headed woman would weigh the pros and cons and realize that it’s a deal too good to clamp up on.

Tell Her Your Ex Did It

We fucking hate the thought of your ex existing, so if we know she did butt stuff with you (liar), we’ll most likely get on our hands and knees right then and there.

Follow The Rules For Gremlins

When it comes to butt stuff, girls are a lot like gremlins. Don’t feed her too late, because she’ll be bloated and terrified of what might end up on your dick. Don’t expose her to bright light during, because God forbid there IS something on your dick after exiting her dirty lady cave. You really won’t want her to see it. Don’t let her get too lubricated or wet, either.

Don’t Lube It Up Too Much

The fact that I know about Tucker Max and why it shouldn’t be too lubed up is enough to give me PTSD. Just find the right lube balance, okay? For the love of God, find the right balance.

Tell Her It’s For America

What, does she hate America or something?

Stop Calling It “Butt Stuff”

At least to us. If you ask a girl if she’ll “do butt stuff,” she will run away from you, ass cheeks clenched. It’s not because she won’t necessarily do “butt stuff,” but because she doesn’t know what the fuck you want. Do you want to put your fist in her ass? Your finger? Is she putting something in your ass? Is there licking involved? Are you talking full-on anal? Be a man and say what you want.

If all else fails, ask her when she just drunkenly saw her ex-boyfriend. If Judy Bloom taught girls anything, it’s that nothing mends a broken heart quite like freaky anal sex with a stranger.

  3. inthe_kitchen

    This column is an absolute disgrace. As a girl, I have always read TFM because TSM articles are typically as bad as Buzzfeed. Now having recently endured you all allowing your female “writers” to contribute to this site, the quality of articles not only has dropped but I’ve become increasingly aggravated by each one. This is the tipping point and I’ll tell you why, from another girls perspective. Your writers have no idea what they’re talking about at all. I know this website is satirical – not that it’s been what so ever lately, but this shit isn’t even funny. It’s actually really boring and screams “I need male validation so I’m going to try and write an article about anal even though I’ve never had it in my life.” Who even looked this over before it was approved? Obviously someone who has never had anal either. So if you’re going to go for the funny angle, at least be amusing. Since you struck out on that one champ, lets try the advice angle. Now the key to advice is that it should usually be good if you want successful reactions – this is a business at the end of the day, you want traction, visits and this’/comments right? Well I’ll tell you right now that if anyone follows these instructions, you won’t ever do butt stuff. “Don’t Let Her See It” WHAT?! The main issue girls have with butt stuff is that they don’t know anything about it, so it makes them nervous. Watch some porn with her for goodness sake – set the mood and let her see how the thing goes. “Barter With Her” Dude are you trying to get these poor guys roped into some relationship with a crazy? Last thing you want to do other than the “My Ex Did It” crap. No girl in her right mind would ever want to hear that. Immediate “no” for butt stuff if you say that. “Don’t Lube It Up Too Much” – You obviously have never had it up the ass. Make sure it’s comfortable for her and you, she will be more likely to keep going and actually ENJOY it if you’re lubed up. “Stop Calling It Butt Stuff” – don’t. It makes it funny and light hearted and the whole idea less intimidating to her. “Tell Her It’s For America” I can’t really argue with that one. Always do what benefits this fine country.

    You already are having enough complaints about what is being posted on TFM. My suggestion? Listen to your readers and hire girls who know what they’re talking about if they’re going to try and write for you. These need to head back to TSM where they and their horrid articles belong.

    11 years ago at 6:37 pm
  4. Legends of the Hidden Temple

    “Are you kidding me bro vagina is my third favorite hole” -Johnny Drama

    11 years ago at 6:39 pm
  5. OnlyDrinkOdouls

    Y’all are going about this all wrong. First you get her realllll fucked up on a couple of odouls, you know, the good stuff. Then you put on the sweet melodic tone that is: Barry white and that’ll get her all hot and bothered. Then wham bam right in the pooper. You got yourself a bona fide butt stuff session.

    11 years ago at 8:24 pm
  10. FrattingOutLoud

    The bartering angle actually works. If you can present it to make it look like you’re sacrificing something for her you’re in.

    11 years ago at 11:06 am