How To Actually Get Butt Stuff, From A Girl’s Perspective
Ever since I started writing for this educational website, I have seen the term “butt stuff.” A lot. At first, I laughed and fondly thought, “boys will be boys.” Then, I started getting comments on my TFM articles…about butt things you wanted to do to me. Still, I brushed it aside and gave you the benefit of the doubt. I mean, who was I, a woman with lady parts, to come over to the guy side and tell you how to live your life? I was just asking for butt-related comments.
But then, it happened: the breaking point. Some of you persistent fellows made your way over to TSM to leave butt-related comments on my heartfelt articles about sisterly love, naked pillow fights, and when it’s okay to make out with your sister (yes, that’s what we talk about there, duh). So, okay. I’ll wave the white flag. Since you seem totally serious about this butt stuff, I’ve decided to take the dick by the balls and give you want you want.
Here it is, guys: how to actually get butt stuff.
Don’t Let Her See It
Nothing is more terrifying to a girl than anal porn. Seriously. I’ll take Ebola over anal porn. The guys are just slamming these giant cocks in tight little assholes, and then, naturally, they come all over the eager girls’ faces (put your boners down). End scene. Yeah. That’s just going to make her pass out, and if she passes out, it’s non-consensual. And that’s bad, okay? Never, I repeat, NEVER let her see anal porn.
Barter With Her
This isn’t always foolproof, but 60 percent of the time, it works every time. Is there a boy-band concert she wants to see? How about a necklace that is way, way out of your price range? Does she want to “make things official”? Consider making a deal with her. You’ll give her what she wants if she gives you an all-access pass to her back door. Any level-headed woman would weigh the pros and cons and realize that it’s a deal too good to clamp up on.
Tell Her Your Ex Did It
We fucking hate the thought of your ex existing, so if we know she did butt stuff with you (liar), we’ll most likely get on our hands and knees right then and there.
Follow The Rules For Gremlins
When it comes to butt stuff, girls are a lot like gremlins. Don’t feed her too late, because she’ll be bloated and terrified of what might end up on your dick. Don’t expose her to bright light during, because God forbid there IS something on your dick after exiting her dirty lady cave. You really won’t want her to see it. Don’t let her get too lubricated or wet, either.
Don’t Lube It Up Too Much
The fact that I know about Tucker Max and why it shouldn’t be too lubed up is enough to give me PTSD. Just find the right lube balance, okay? For the love of God, find the right balance.
Tell Her It’s For America
What, does she hate America or something?
Stop Calling It “Butt Stuff”
At least to us. If you ask a girl if she’ll “do butt stuff,” she will run away from you, ass cheeks clenched. It’s not because she won’t necessarily do “butt stuff,” but because she doesn’t know what the fuck you want. Do you want to put your fist in her ass? Your finger? Is she putting something in your ass? Is there licking involved? Are you talking full-on anal? Be a man and say what you want.
If all else fails, ask her when she just drunkenly saw her ex-boyfriend. If Judy Bloom taught girls anything, it’s that nothing mends a broken heart quite like freaky anal sex with a stranger..
This website completely confirms all stereotypes about fraternities. Douchebags
11 years ago at 3:41 pmThis column has to be a joke, but just to be really clear: This is fucking terrible advice.
1. Bullshit. If she uses the internet, and she’s curious, she’s probably going to see it.
2 & 3 & 6. Do I really need to say this? Don’t use your ex, relationship status, or your nation to pressure her. Instead, ask her what she’s into. Start slow and tell her you want to finger her ass when you eat her out because it turns you on, and you hear it can feel really good.
4. Poopdick is uncommon. The fear is overhyped. But if either of you are that terrified of the unlikely possibility, don’t fuck her ass.
5. Be very generous with the lube. That doesn’t mean shoving a bottle of astroglide into her ass and squeezing, like a fucking idiot. It means adding a little more to the rim and finger each time you insert another finger so there’s little/no friction and it doesn’t hurt her. It’s usually a slow process, and she’ll ease into it. Have her lying on her back with her legs up. When she’s ready to fuck, add more lube, and let her guide it in. Do your research and know how the logistics work.
7. “Be a man and say what you want” is good advice. Also listen to her. It’s not gonna be a good fuck unless she’s comfortable and wants it.
11 years ago at 8:35 am[…] to throw this one in here, but according to every single article on our gross counterpart’s website, it’s all the rage right now. While I’d love to tell them to go shove that whole idea […]
11 years ago at 11:58 amMaybe I should have done buttstuff
11 years ago at 7:27 pmHow to ACTUALLY ACTUALLY get butt-stuff from a girl:
“Don’t Let Her See It”:
WRONG
Girls??? Watch???Porn??? Like there is a good 99.99% chance your lady has seen some hardcore assplay via the internet. And if she hasn’t, don’t keep her in the dark. I’m not saying show her “FLAMING ANAL FISTERS XXX QUADRUPLE ANAL PENETRATION”. If you’re asking for the basics, show her the basics. She might be into it.
“Barter With Her”:
WRONG
She says no? You accept no. Maybe she’ll turn around?? Who knows. It’s her butt and most girls know that anal can hurt for the first time. Which yeah, it can. If you’re doing it wrong. Which you probably are. Dick.
“Tell Her Your Ex Did It”:
…
Don’t.
“Follow The Rules For Gremlins”
???
Ok or instead teach ya girl how to wash her ass? Like properly washing ya ass before anal sex is so important? It’ll feel SOOO much better for both parties if her colon is completely cleaned out. And it’s safer. You don’t want an infected wang now do you? If she wants clean, shit free anal, here’s the scoop: http://howtocleanyourass.com/ . Important shit.
“Don’t Lube It Up Too Much”
WRONG OH MY GOD SO WRONG HAVE YOU EVER EVEN DONE ANAL
THERE IS NO SUCH THING AS TOO MUCH LUBE!!! Lube is so fucking imporant. It makes penetration easier for you, and makes it less painful for her. ” I know about Tucker Max and why it shouldn’t be too lubed up”. Have you read the Tucker Max story? He described anal as “grainy”. He pulled out and there was shit. Do the math. The fact that there was a heaping mass of poo didn’t have anything to do with lube. It had to do with the fact his lady CLEARLY DIDN’T WASH HER ASS. WATER BASED LUBE OKAY DO YA DAMN RESEARCH
“Stop Calling It ‘Butt Stuff'”
10 years ago at 8:45 amSure?