How To Build The “House Table”

Buzzy Robinson7 years ago

The nine-foot by five-foot beer pong table is more of a power move than it is a practical piece of furniture. This big, bad, bold beauty is built to last. It is large, in charge, and guaranteed to turn heads. It’s not a binge drinking device. It’s a statement. Make no mistake; this is the “house table.”

A 9 ft. x 5 ft. table is like a massive rectangular alter to the party gods. It is meant to serve as a king sized centerpiece for any pregame, mixer, or open event. Your house’s colossal slab of beer-soaked lumber is more than just a pretty piece of craftsmanship. It is something that you and your boys should take pride in.

The house table will be featured in girls’ Snapchat stories. It will be danced on. It will be dunked on. And, most importantly, it will become a dominant fixture at all of your social events, letting everyone know that you came to play.

If you want something easy and practical to play pong on, drive your lazy ass over to Walmart and buy yourself a fold-up beer pong table, you disappointing dick.

For everybody else, my brethren who respect the fruits of hard labor as well as the value of fine wood working, I suggest you get your self down to the nearest lumber yard or building supplies outlet and cop yourself the following items: two solid pieces of 4 ft. x 8 ft. plywood, four pieces of 2 in. x 6 in. x 10 ft. lumber, and a box of 4 in. phillips square flat-head screws.

Hopefully you already own a power drill and a sharp saw, because you will be screwing and cutting shit — which reminds me, find yourself a work space where noise, saw dust, and other debris won’t be an issue. For me, this is anywhere in the basement between Sunday and Thursday.

Step 1: Build the frame.

Cut two of the 10 ft. long pieces into two 9 ft. long pieces (just cut off one foot from each). Then, cut the remaining two 10 ft. long pieces into four 4 ft. 8 in. pieces. These four shorter pieces will go in between two 9 ft. long pieces, two on the very ends, and two in the middle (1 ft. from each other). Drill this frame together using the metal screws. This will serve as the supportive foundation for your plywood playing surface.

Step 2: Cut the big pieces of plywood.

Cut each of the two 4 ft. x 8 ft. pieces of plywood at the 5 ft. mark, yielding four pieces of wood, two 5 ft. x 4 ft. pieces, and two 3 ft. x 4 ft. pieces.

Step 3: Cut the smaller pieces of plywood.

Cut the two 3 ft. x 4 ft. pieces into two 1 ft. x 2.5 ft. pieces. Discard or save the scraps.

Step 4: Assemble the playing surface.

Place the pieces of plywood together on top of the 9 ft. x 5 ft. wooden frame that you constructed in Step 1. Place the two 1 ft. x 2.5 ft. pieces together (short sides touching) so that they form one 1 ft. x 5 ft. piece in the middle of the frame, over the center two pieces of 4 ft. 8 in. supports in the center of the frame. On either side of this 1 ft. x 5 ft. median, place the larger 5 ft. x 4 ft. pieces of plywood so that they fit over the frame, thus completing the 9 ft. x 5 ft. plywood playing surface over the 9 ft. x 5 ft. frame.

Step 5: Drill, baby, drill.

Drill down all of the pieces of plywood that constitute the playing surface so that they are firmly attached to the wooden frame beneath them. Boom! Now you have a rock solid 9 ft. x 5 ft. beer pong table.

Last step: The paint job.

Either recruit some artistically gifted sorority girls or delegate the painting (or the whole project, for that matter) to a group of your own pledges. Or, just do it yourself if you’re feeling especially Bob Rossian. Paint the table, let it dry, and then cover it with a generous layer of polyurethane in order to seal and waterproof the wood surface.

The big boy table is a staple in any fraternity basement or social room. You can have as many regular pong tables as you want, but there should be one great big whopping house table just to let everyone know that you’re not fucking around..

Image via Dartmouth85.com/David Carson