How To Get Laid On A Date, From A Girl’s Perspective

lindeliciousss10 years ago

I’m going to venture a guess here that none of you has taken a girl out to dinner and wanted to bang her because she knew which fork to use. No one says, “Damn, the way she knows the difference between a soup and dessert spoon makes me want some of that in my LIFE!” However, you have probably watched some chick talk with her mouth full, or chew with her mouth open, and thought, “No WAY is she getting those ham chompers anywhere near my Richard Nixon.”

Good table manners might not seem like they matter much, but they could be the tipping point in whether or not you get offered the job or close on a date instead of being on the receiving end of the pity kiss (ha, gayyy). Navigating a table set with more than just a fork, knife, and spoon may seem as stressful as unclasping a bra for the first time, but you’ll be bedding babes left and right once they hear how ballin’ you are at the dinner table.

First up, the place settings themselves. Most nicer restaurants and dinner parties you’ll frequent will typically have five utensils laid out for you. A good rule of thumb for which utensil to use when is to work from the outside, in. You’ll almost always get a small fork on the far left and a larger fork just inside that. The little fork is for salad, and the larger fork is for your main course. On the far right of your plate, you’ll have a large spoon with your knife inside of that closest to your plate. Your knife should always be facing in towards your plate. Your dessert spoon/fork will be set horizontally above your plate. Never point your fork or knife at your dinner companion unless you’re attempting to challenge her to a duel. In which case, do you. There’s no way her twig arms will be any match for your swoll ‘roid arms. That protein IV isn’t just for show!

You may be thinking that this is bullshit. All Ron Swanson needs is a fork and steak knife, that’s all I need too. Fuck this article. I am thinking, remember Ron Swanson’s psychotic ex-wife? She’s the type of girl you’ll impress with poor manners. Also, the f-word is no way to talk to a lady. So.

Next, when can you start eating? Right when your food is placed in front of you, and then shovel it into your mouth as quick as possible, TFM, right? Only if your goal is for your date to confuse you with Norbit’s wife. You should not begin eating until everyone in your party/at your table has been served. However, the people you’re dining should tell you not to wait if your food is at risk of getting cold. At this point, you can dive in. By dive in I mean take small(ish) polite bites. And what do you do with your fork and knife when you’re not using them? You guys will love this one. Typically, there are two versions of resting position. Continental, and American. Many people favor the American style. This is because America > Everyone ##DUH##. Basically, when you aren’t using your knife, you rest it horizontally, blade-in, on the top of your plate. When you aren’t using your fork, you place it tines-in at 7:00ish (if your plate was a clock face). FYI- tines are the spears attached to the fork’s handle. When you’re finished with your meal, you put both your fork and knife on your plate at 4:20 (blaze it, amirite, guys??) with the handles resting off of your plate.

If you need to get up in the middle of your meal, always place your napkin on the table to the left of your plate and fork. You never want to put your napkin on your chair because, whoops, you forgot you farted, and now you’re the animal who dabbed his mouth with an old fart napkin. Totally the worst.

Last but not least, some helpful general etiquette tips: If something is hard to load onto your fork, use your knife to corral it rather than your fingers. Never place a utensil that has already been used directly on the table. Don’t talk with your mouth full or chew with your mouth open. They do that in North Korea, probably. And North Korea = NF. If you put something in your mouth, and it’s spoiled or raw, discreetly spit it into your spoon/fork and place it back on your plate. Don’t be that guy that tries to spit it into his napkin and then forgets about it and spends half the night with half-chewed chicken partially dried on his khakis. If you see a hair/fly/rat/other unsavory objects in your food, don’t be an ass. No one wants to have the bloody carcass of a beetle waved under his or her nose. Just save it for a pledge like everyone else. Instead, quietly inform the waiter and if at a dinner party, just avoid the remainder of the dish.

Think of good manners as the girl version of nudes, fellas. You like boobs, and we like gentlemen. Once you nail them, you’ll have bitches dragging from your Sperry’s..