How To Get Laid On Valentine’s Day, From A Lady

2NOTBrokeGirls10 years ago

Ah, Valentine’s Day, the holiday invented by greeting card companies, chocolatiers, and florists to sucker those in relationships into buying overpriced crap and to make those who are currently single — especially the ladies — generally feel like shit about themselves. As such, you would think picking up one of these ladies on Valentine’s Day would be as easy as finding beer in your frat house. After all, they’ll be depressed and desperate while getting wine-drunk with their equally pathetic friends, right? So, if given the opportunity, how could she possibly resist going home with a quality piece of man meat like yourself?

Mmm, not so fast. While it’s true that there will certainly be some ladies crying in their pinot because their man-friends dumped them in order to avoid having to buy a $100 dinner, the majority of the single ladies who will be out and about this Black Saturday won’t be melancholy and mournful. Instead, we’ll be bitter and angry. As in rocking the anti-dude, “I don’t need a fucking guy, I’ve got my ladies” attitude. Despite the bitchy demeanor, these are the girls you should go after for two reasons. First, everyone knows sex with an angry chick is way better than sex with a sad one. Second, odds are that the sad girl is looking for a relationship, but the bitter girl is just looking for a bang. Assuming you’re looking for the latter, the cynical girl is the one you should aim for. Taking one of us home to do the no pants dance will require a little more effort, particularly on our least favorite day of the year, so here are some tips to help you out.

Skip The Bars

Wait, what? I’m telling you to not go to the place where the ladies will be? Yeah, that’s right, because every other dude is going to have the same exact idea as you. It’s like guys who go sit in the bars across the street from a Justin Timberlake concert, hoping that J.T. will get the ladies hyped up and they can reap the benefits. It’s a good idea in theory, but the fact that every dude has it will likely result in the girl-to-guy ratio being way off, meaning someone’s going home empty-handed. Instead, skip the obvious locales and hit up some different venues. Lots of girls plan group outings for Valentine’s Day, so ask your lady friends what they’ve got going on for ideas of where you may find hordes of single ladies screaming Beyoncé lyrics while knocking back Fireball shots. Side note: Do NOT be the weird guy who goes to a showing of Fifty Shades of Grey on Valentine’s Day to pick up chicks. That’s not genius — it’s fucking creepy.

Be As Corny As Humanly Possible

I generally advise against super-cheesiness because I find it pretty off-putting, but on the cheesiest day of the year? Totally acceptable and even endearing. Bust out your favorite lines: “Can I have a kiss on the cheek? I want to be able to say a gorgeous girl kissed me on Valentine’s Day.” “Hello, Cupid called, he says to tell you that he needs my heart back.” “I’ll be your ‘alentine’ for now if you’ll give me the “V” later on.” Or carry around some Hershey’s kisses and offer to give them out in exchange for a real one. Cheesy is funny (on Valentine’s Day only) and as I’ve said before, funny is hot.

Walk A Fine Line On The V-Day Negativity

Part of the reason single ladies say that they hate Valentine’s Day is because they know it looks pathetic if they say they love it — even if they secretly do. Same goes for guys. If you go too far to the other side, you look like you care too much about a holiday that was pretty much invented for the sole purpose of girls getting guys to buy them stuff. What you should go for here is solidarity. An example:

You: “It sucks that single people are made to feel like crap on Valentine’s Day.”
Her: “Yeah!”
You: “Single people are humans, too!”
Her: “A hundred percent!”
You: “You know what would make us feel better? Fucking each other’s brains out!”
Her: “Let’s do it!”

Single people, unite! (Literally.)

So there you go, friends. If all else fails, keep it simple: Pick a girl who looks slightly desperate, walk up to her, and open with the foolproof “Sex then pizza?” offer. That always works on me.

Good luck and godspeed, gentlemen..