How To Spice Up Drinking Alone

Jobu677 years ago

You’re more likely than not looking at this article as something “I should probably shy away from” or something “I would never even consider,” but admit it — you’ve drank alone. There is certainly a lot to be said about solo-drinking; you may call it alcoholism or completely unnecessary, but whatever you call it, I am here to tell you how to make this home-time activity more fun.

Being home on winter break can be a challenge for all of us. How do we go from nonstop action to an abyss of boredom and traumatic flashbacks from our high school days? To put it into other terms, it would be like if Mike Pence changed Donald Trump’s Twitter password without him knowing, leaving him with literally nothing to do. Maybe you try to reignite those relationships you once had with your townie friends before you spent the entire summer before college singlehandedly burning every bridge between you and them. Maybe you craft some clever Ponzi scheme to create a “by chance” meeting with your ex that left for college a year before you did who said we can “make it work” and within a month had a new boyfriend (also: as much as you deny it, you totally still would). The bar scene is too expensive and drinking with dad isn’t as fun as it was in high school, so what do you do? Crack open a cold one with the boys, the boys being yourself. Here are some ways to make that less depressing.

“Shotgun Shower”

Every one of us has our own personal routine that somehow came to be during shower time. It’s ours, and it’s what makes us us. But how could this cycle get any better, you ask? First, determine your muscle mass (how much of your weight is pure muscle), divide that by your alcoholic fortitude (how many beers it takes you to start snapping all your streaks to “come over,” no matter if they’re in another state), and bring that number of beers into the shower with you. I weigh 170 lbs — all of which is muscle — divided by 25 beers, which is what made me drop $130 on an Uber for some girl in Connecticut, and BOOM! That is roughly seven beers. Now you might be thinking, “That is a lot to shotgun in like 15 minutes or however long showers take,” but seriously the fuck else are you gonna do for a month? Now comes the fun part: go about your normal shower routine, this time shotgunning those beers you brought in throughout. Happy hunting.

The “Elf On The Shelf, Go Ice Yourself!”

Whether or not you have little siblings, still believe in Santa Claus yourself, or it’s June, ’tis always the season. You are bound to have a few Smirnoff Ices left over from the summer that some chick “really shouldn’t finish” and you insisted on taking off her hands. Now, for the remaining days leading up to Christmas (kudos if it is June) before you go to bed, place one of those White Lightnings up on some random shelf. The next morning, before your morning masturbation and coffee, act so surprised that there is a Smirnoff Ice magically placed on your shelf. “Oh my God, you got me, you sunuvabitch!” Proceed, then, to ice yourself.

The “Forrest Gump Never Slump”

This “oldie but a goody” is essentially beer pong, but by yourself. Let me elaborate. Hopefully you’ve all seen Forrest Gump, wherein, during the war, the once-crippled Gump spends time in an Army recovery center. During his stay, our hero masters the fine art of ping pong. “I played ping pong even when I didn’t have anyone to play ping pong with,” he said. This is what you want to be going for. Simply set up a table as you would for any other game of pong, but this time you play both sides. As Sun Tzu once said, “The enemy of my enemy (in pong) is my best friend.” I find that quote fitting in this circumstance. The way I see it, playing pong all by your lonesome is a win-win. You get wasted, and you’re basically hitting the batting cages, ensuring a szn without a slump.

“Superbowl LI-T”

This one is great right after Christmas. Take all those empty Amazon boxes and a shitload of tape and find a quiet, isolated spot in your home. There, begin to construct what resembles those quarterback “throw it in the hole” games found in almost every arcade. If you don’t know what I’m talking about, ask your new Amazon Echo Dot, “Hey Alexa, why am I an idiot?” and than begin your construction. Once you have finished and you’ve used just about every roll of tape in the house, it’s time to start drinking. There is really no goal to this game other than drinking and throwing the empty cans into the arcade contraption. Not a bad time, though.

Hopefully this helps you survive your cabin fever..