I Don’t Appreciate Soccer, Here’s Why
10 years ago

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If you are among the 99.99 percent of people who are blessed with the ability to use your legs, congratulations–you already possess the basic, necessary skills to play the game of soccer. There are no real skills to acquire. There are only basic, bodily movements to refine. I have several issues with the game, but this is my main beef.

I’ve never played an organized game of soccer in my life, but take me out to the yard right now, kick a ball to me, and I’ll kick it right the fuck back. Want me to punt it? I’ll punt the shit out of it. Ask me to dribble it, and I’ll dribble it good enough. Boom. I’m a soccer player. I might not be all that good, and I might get gassed pretty quickly if I was playing in an actual game, but I’m out there, and I’m doing it. And I won’t even look stupid. Why? Because I walk, run, and kick like a normal, coordinated person who grew up playing sports. That’s all the game truly entails–basic movements of your limbs over an extended period of time, the same basic movements you learn as a toddler.

Conversely, you put a baseball bat in Lionel Messi’s hands and put him out there against an average NCAA pitcher, and he’ll look like a complete fool. Hand Cristiano Ronaldo a 7-iron and point him toward a green, and you’ll see that he’s out of his element before the club face even strikes the ball. You challenge Clint Dempsey to hit a 15-foot J with a hand in his face, and I’d bet my car he’ll miss it. The same goes for hockey and, to a lesser degree, the real kind of football.

I mean it. I can blend in on the biggest stage soccer has to offer. Out there among the very best in the world, you wouldn’t be able to differentiate me from soccer’s elite with the camera panned out. First of all, I’m relatively fit, so I’d pass the initial eyeball inspection. Throw a jersey and some shin guards on me, and I’d look like the rest of these soccer turds. Like a flanker hovering on the outskirts of a street brawl who doesn’t intend to get in the mix, I’d run around and follow the action from a safe distance, as to not get found out a total fraud.

I won’t score. I won’t run up and down the field at a steadily quick pace. I won’t fit a perfect pass through a tight window. I will actually provide zero value whatsoever to my team. I’ll blend, though.

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A casual observer wouldn’t pick up on my shortcomings. If the ball comes to me, I’ll pass it right away. Easy. Defense? No problem. I’m athletic enough to stay in front of my man with a sizable cushion. And if anyone comes uncomfortably close to me, I’ll flop and flail around on the ground like I was sniped by a crazed fan in the upper deck–like a giant soccer vagina.

Look at these idiots. Flopping isn’t merely a problem of the game. It’s become an accepted and integral part of it–and sometimes the only way to break a tie after an exhilarating 80 minutes of scoreless action.

Soccer is simply boring as fuck.

  2. That Brown Fiji Dude

    I think I lost a few IQ points reading this. You have no idea how fucking dumb you sounded.

    First, you think soccer takes no skill? Let me say this to someone who’s never played a competitive soccer game, you need to know techniques of how to kick a ball. You have to learn how to the read the game and peoples’ movements (just like football), also you gotta have the strength and close control to keep a ball off cutthroat defenders.

    Second, and this is where you really go wrong, you think you’ll blend in. The ball moves all the across the field, you’ll have to get involved, which you said you won’t be, at that point a stadium full of 80,000 fans will be booing to a point where you’ll have to subbed out for your shitty performance. The guy you pointed, he’s a defender, he’s not supposed to score, nor he’s a casual observer, he’s a defender who guards the wings you twat.

    I don’t care if you don’t mind about soccer, but don’t you ever call something you’ve never done as “no real skill required” while your country is out there making you proud in the world’s most watched event while you’re jerking off to little boys playing in a pool. They’re making Uncle Sam more proud than you ever will.

    10 years ago at 2:35 am
  3. Ted Cribley

    This might be one of the most uneducated analysis of sports I have ever seen. I know Americans can have the stereotype (and I don’t like to jump on these stereotypes by the way) of being…..well……dumb as fuck…..but you my friend take the biscuit.
    It may be “boring as fuck to you”………..but clearly that is because you have absolutely no clue what you are talking about. As you say…..you have NEVER played the sport….so your comment quite frankly becomes obsolete. I won’t ask why you haven’t played it before….but I’m going to hazard a guess that you’re so overweight after your shit for parents fed you Coke and Pizza’s all your life, simply getting up and down stairs would be out of a question….therefore actually getting into a sport would be laughable and embarrassing for someone as retarded as yourself.
    Next point……..
    Football…..sorry “soccer” as you call it……it simply running and kicking. Really?……..Really? If your analysis of a sport can be broken down into 2 simple points no doubt you are one of those people who think that the Iraq and Afghanistan wars were just one big desert filled with Muslims and Jihad everywhere. Golf…….as an example is simple hitting a ball……with a club. You stand up (another fascinating ability of human beings)…..and swing a club at a ball. Based on your analysis…..Golf is “boring as fuck”. American football….is simply running and catching…….basketball similarly is running and catching. Except it isn’t it….is it? There are tactics, technique, manipulations that someone as thick as you wouldn’t quite grasp. Then again you’ve never played sport because mommy and daddy were too busy stuffing your lacklustre face with candy and mcdonalds. “I won’t score. I won’t run up and down the field at a steadily quick pace”……too fuckin right…..the weight of you overhanging gut probably would impede you from getting onto a fuckin Bus.
    The fact that you believe the only action that takes places in football is with the ball shows how poorly your argument is constructed. Its like saying a Lebron or Kobe should only be judged on what they do when they have the ball…….taking away their defensive capabilities and tactical awareness.
    More than likely you are irritated by the fact that in almost every other country in the world, football (no I’m not going to call it soccer for your benefit any more) is the number one sport. Why? Read a fuckin book. Football galvanised communities and brought alien people together in times of hardship. Believe it or not, Europeans and South Americans who play sport actually support their LOCAL teams…..you know teams within their vicinity. They don’t just look at the mascot of an NHL, NFL or NBA team and think hmmmmm……I quite like Dolphins….and that means I’m going to support the Miami Dolphins. Then again, a man coming from a country with about as much history as Pizza Hut, it isn’t hard to see why you haven’t taken the time to assess these things. Reading would be too difficult for you would’t it……call of duty and strange homo-erotic happenings are going on in the Frat house….best get involved “Bro”.
    You’re probably one of those Yanks who thinks that football needs more goals too….right? Oh wait sorry points….not goals……
    Maybe we could introduce plus points for offside calls, or take away points for fouls, minus points for substitutions, throw ins and corners similarly get them a few points too……this way the score could be well over 100. Therefore you can sit and watch this sport with your equally robust and retarded mother and father, scoffing your lifeless body with cheese and chocolate.
    Make sure you drink light beer though………….you need to count the calories after all.

    10 years ago at 5:13 am
  4. broariah53

    As a collegiate soccer player I will give you a hundo if you can survive one half of a scrimmage game at our level, bet you get a reality check within the first 5 minutes of the game and cramp like lebron

    10 years ago at 5:39 am
  8. ASNF11

    For everyone stressing about this kids satirical article, note to self…. “Golf is his game now” stating that he failed at all other types of physical sports and was so incompetent to continue with any of them he resorted to an old mans sport. We all know you just want the attention your parents never gave you and the attention you didn’t get by joining a frat with hopes of girls finally finding you attractive enough that they would actually sleep with you. This is merely a cry from Dorn to try and be as ignorant as he can against the most popular sport in the world because he knew he would get the attention he never recieved. This article is equivalent to saying the holocaust never happened or Trix aren’t for kids. You are right though, if we were to put you in a game of soccer for the special Olympics you would blend right in. To end my little rant, we are all aware of you minuscule dick so arguing about things that are slightly bigger than it won’t make it grow.

    10 years ago at 2:56 pm
    1. BroJesusAlphaMale

      You do realize that the majority of the best golfers in the world are better athletes than you could dream of, with a few exceptions i.e. Mickleson, Dufner, Stadler. But if soccer is supposed to be such civilized, elegant sport, why the fuck are there such things as soccer hooligans and riots? Basically, my point is that soccer is stupid fucking sport and I’d rather watch paint dry.

      10 years ago at 6:52 pm
  9. CodyCheung

    This is the least intelligent thing I’ve read in a long time, you wouldn’t last 5 minutes on the pitch, Dorn.

    10 years ago at 4:12 pm
  10. osaycanyoufrat

    Maybe Dorn really is the one winning here. He’s gonna be in damn good shape after all these laps he’s gonna take. Jealous.

    10 years ago at 4:16 pm