If A Chapter Executive Board Ran America

Whiskey_Ginger11 years ago

It’s been pretty dysfunctional around here lately, what with all the debt ceiling fighting, and government shutdowns, and 90-year-old WWII veterans storming memorials to themselves. So dysfunctional, one might say, that radical change is needed. That radical change, gentlemen, is to put a fraternity executive board in charge of the White House and Congress. Other than the obvious benefits of having more Greeks in positions of absolute power, we would also see a number of positive changes in government function.

On Monetary Policy

The Federal Reserve would be replaced with that one drunk brother you always trust with the slush money. While America might “misplace” some funds, next Fourth of July’s Tight and Bright party on the National Mall is going to be awesome. A little bit of uncertainty never hurt the markets, right?

The Treasury Department would immediately hire half of Wall Street to get our books in order, but the gains would be immediately destroyed by the expenses of the Adderall tweaked cabal of guys working on it.

America’s debt is declared null and void on the grounds that “we have more missiles than you do.”

On Defense

The chapter Sergeant-At-Arms becomes supreme commander of American military forces, promptly calls in a bunker buster strike on his least favorite fraternity on campus.

The “Big Stick Doctrine” would return, except without the “walking softly” part. So, maybe it would be better termed the “Big Dick” doctrine. Any time another country fucks with us, they get fucked.

Due to an increasingly serious prank war between America and Canada, The Executive Board eventually blackballs their nationhood and annexes them.

Mexico is summarily invaded and turned into a 24/7/365 party destination. The locals are just happy it’s no longer filled with heavily armed drug warlords. John McAfee is made governor.

That brother in engineering with all the crazy, potentially world-ending weapons ideas is put in charge of DARPA, and immediately focuses research on giant battle mechs.

On Social and Domestic Policy

Your social chair is appointed to head up social policy reform, but realizes America doesn’t have the kind of social policy he’s generally accustomed to handling. He promptly legalizes every vice known to man and takes a six week vacation in Vegas.

Plan B is free for everyone. Oh, wait. Never mind. Congress beat us to it on this one.

Campaign finance reform is passed. All donations to political campaigns must be made in the form of strippers and expensive alcohol.

Science funding goes through the roof when NASA discovers a chunk of the Milky Way is a cloud of 100% ethanol, starting the great Everclear Space Race.

The 40-hour work week has a hangover exception added to it in federal labor laws. Hangovers become a valid excuse to miss work. The cities of DC, Austin, and the state of California grind to a halt on Friday mornings.

Boob jobs and nose jobs are added to things covered by Obamacare.

On Handling Congress and The White House

Congress is still tasked with passing laws, but anytime they can’t come to an agreement on something for more than 3 weeks, the chapter pledge trainer is given free reign over the chamber. One more debt ceiling crisis is attempted, but after “Gangnam Style” is played on loop for 36 hours, comprehensive budget reform is passed.

Debate and/or filibuster can be ended in either chamber by a simple majority, or a particularly well-organized “Asshole” chant.

The Executive Board can blackball the whole lot of them at any time and elect to hold new elections. New members of Congress are pledges for the first 12 weeks of their term. Bows and toes becomes a morning routine on The Hill.

The Frat Party becomes a viable third party political organization. The Frat PAC quickly becomes the nation’s most influential superPAC.

The president is no longer decided by the electoral college, but by who can bong the most beers out of the members elected to congress. The vice president is the guy that comes in second. A shotgun duel settles ties.

A permanent Slip N’ Slide is installed on the White House lawn after the first annual America Day Rage.

All and all, I think changes are for the better throughout, though I would worry about leaving the Federal Reserve under the care of one drunk guy whose only job is buying alcohol for functions. Otherwise, I see no reason to put a bunch of mostly politically experienced guys in their 20s at the helm of the most powerful nation in the world. Absolutely nothing will go wrong. It certainly can’t be worse than how our current government runs, anyway.