If The NBA Lottery Picks Were Rushing Your House

TFM Intern10 years ago

Andrew Wiggins – This kid was so hyped that you heard stories about him when he was pulling coeds in eleventh grade. He was billed as the second coming of McCoy. You even cleaned the house and made space for him in one of the singles. Sure, his senior year wasn’t as impressive as you might have thought, but he was in a new school and still managed to sleep with the prom queen. This guy is your future pledge class president without a doubt.

Jabari Parker – The legacy. A total stud in high school, he’s only been to a few events, but he feels like a brother already. On paper, this guy seems like the real deal. He’s got the grades, he’s got the money, and he’s got the looks. Even if he puts on a few pounds and never reaches his full potential as the face of the fraternity, he’ll be a solid brother for years to come.

Joel Embiid – The so-called monster stud of bid week, he recently fell into new money, so he’s not totally accustomed to the lifestyle. He’s been at the top of every house’s radar, but after a few parties, he totally puked–all from a few cups of jungle juice. You also heard about his hidden Dungeons and Dragons fetish that may have recently resurfaced. This kid may very well have the best chill to pull ratio of the freshman class, but he could also become a level seven dungeon master, leaving you questioning whether this is the best guy to wear your letters around campus.

Aaron Gordon – Your ticket to intramural glory. This guy is a freak on the field and is hands down the best athlete out of all the potential pledges. On the down side, he doesn’t really contribute anywhere else for the house–but you try finding a better wide out for your flag football team. Give this kid a bid and you’ll be drinking Keystones out of your victory cup for the next four to six years, depending on if he graduates on time.

Dante Exum – The biggest question mark. This guy wasn’t on any of your pre-rush lists, and no brothers or alumni can really vouch for him, because he kind of came out of nowhere. He only showed up to one party, but he drank the rest of the rushees under the table. He’s a foreign exchange student, which leads you to wonder whether he’ll join in on the drunken U-S-A chants you start at the bars or if he’ll be a staple on Fail Friday for his lack of American culture. He seems like a good guy, but he could also be a major headache that you’ll need to blackball down the line.

Marcus Smart – This kid can go shot for shot with anyone in the house. A total standout in high school, he was your house’s number one recruit before he got held back a year. This didn’t seem like it was a big deal until he got hammered and took a swing at your rush chair during an impromptu visit. Still, he has the potential to be one of the best rushees, but he could be a pain in the ass as a pledge.

Julius Randle – Your future social chair. This kid just loves the spotlight. He’s one of those guys who will step up when the house needs him. So what if he’s 20 pounds overweight from all that dorm food? Every house needs the fun, fat guy, and while he may not act like he’s loaded, you know his parents have been slipping him a ton of money under the table this past year. Drinks on this guy!

Doug McDermott – Voted prom king, class president, and most popular, this kid’s accolades read like the résumé of a world-class stud. His GPA alone is worth giving him a bid. The only problem is that he went to a school where the kids didn’t party as hard as some of the other potential pledges, which makes you question whether his game will translate to the big time ragers. Whatever the case, he’s sure to be one of those guys who will always give it his all. He’ll never be the top dog like he was in high school and he may burn out from all the fun he’ll have as a fifth year, but he’ll without a doubt be one of your favorite brothers in the house.