If Your Fraternity Had an H.R. Department

Dillon Cheverere12 years ago

The most recent hire at TFM was a female that runs the TSM side of the website, and I’m sure she does a fine job over there. Her arrival was the beginning of a new era at TFM headquarters, and the end of a worry-free one. Before she waltzed through the office door for the first time, wearing her high heels, slinging her pungent lady scent throughout the joint, and attracting bears with her menstruation, the hallways were filled with the kind of inappropriate banter only found during locker room post-games or “dudes only” bar outings. It was the kind of grotesque conversation that would make your mother sob and cut off communication with you. It was a simple time, really.

Interoffice shouts of “Yo Rob, I just printed off your column so I can take it to the restroom and masturbate on it” or “I’d rather pass a Pro V-1 through my urethra than have lunch with you today” were commonplace. It was a work environment filled with mutual respect and admiration. When these jaunts were not received favorably, the common retort would be, “Oh yeah? Why don’t you take it up with H.R.”

You see, we don’t have a human resources department, because we can’t have a human resources department.

Before our female coworker’s arrival, we would occasionally discuss the change in office dynamic, and strategies for avoiding any precarious situations. We weren’t writing H.R. regulations or anything, but the dark cloud of sexual harassment would soon loom overhead, and that’s a cloud that can bring the thunder. It’s not that we actually harass her sexually (we don’t), but some of the language that fills these hallways are of the sexually explicit variety. It’s just the nature of the smut-peddling industry. If Bacon needs to discuss office politicking by way of sexual favor, or if I need to analyze and voice my findings about the inverse relationship between Ben Roethlisberger’s bathroom raping sprees and his on-field quarterbacking struggles, we should have the freedom to do that, and without consequence. Side note: That’s actually a funny idea for a column. Rapelisberger was balling when he was still a practicing rapist.

Then she arrived, and thankfully, not much has changed. Now instead of “I’d rather pass a Pro V-1 through my urethra than have lunch with you today, Bill,” we say it to her. I’m pretty sure she’s cool with it. The only difference now is that these comments are often followed by this one: “Thank God we don’t have an H.R. department.”

But what if we did? Even worse, what if your fraternity had an H.R. department with the same behavioral standard of a traditional corporate office setting?

It might look something like this:

Date: October 27, 2012
Time: 10:20pm – 11:20pm

Note: All findings were recorded in one single hour.

The following findings during my visit to the ********* Fraternity at the University of ********* are in violation of our behavioral code as laid forth by the National Fraternity Member Handbook:

– revocation of chapter charter
– submission of this report to local law enforcement narcotics division
– submission of this report to university officials with staunch recommendation of chapter-wide expulsion

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