I’m In Love With This Delta Zeta Who Allegedly Faked Having Stage 3 Stomach Cancer And Stole $7,500
Listen, I pride myself on having a finger on the pulse of the Internet and an ear to the ground hearing the slightest rumblings across college campuses nationwide. When friends and family members preface a lead that’s a few days old with “Have you seen this?” I politely inform them that “Yes, I have,” and immediately cut them out of my life for good. I just can’t have these toxic, technology-challenged people potentially dragging down my career as a legitimate, universally respected, award-winning media member with their laughably sluggish news cycle existence. Sorry, Dad. It’s nothing personal, just the nature of the business.
If I don’t cover something on this here website within 24 hours of it breaking, I most likely passed on the story. But as hard as it is to believe, I’m not perfect. Every now and again, something slips by this otherwise brick wall of a net-minder. What can I say? Players fuck up. And though I’m sure there’s a flawless explanation as to why I missed this scoop out of Northern Kentucky University about a month ago, I’m here to own my mistakes and give it the proper reporting that you’ve come to expect out of the three most important letters in journalism. Okay. We’re all good? Let’s dive right in then.
Kelly Schmahl, a 20-year-old Delta Zeta at NKU, is being accused of swindling her parents and sorority sisters into thinking she had stage 3 stomach cancer between June 2016 through March 2017 along with stealing thousands of dollars in philanthropic donations and the heart of this writer in the process.
Police estimate that Schmahl pocketed at least $7,500 during this 10 month period from sorority organized bake sales and fundraisers raising money for Kelly’s cause. Homegirl went all out: impersonating health care professionals while answering phone calls from concerned loved ones, shaving her head, adopting a wheelchair as a new mode of transportation, and writing inspiring blogs about overcoming her hurdle of a disease.
“I have never been one to ask for much, especially when it comes to money and material things, but when I was diagnosed last September, financial support from those around me has become pivotal in my battle.”
Such deceit. Such corruption. Such dedication to the bit. This girl is incredible.
Bamboozling your sorority is one thing. Honestly, it’s probably not even that tough of a challenge. But your parents? The people that birthed and raised you? That is a next-level, sociopathic skill set that is downright sexy. I’m not sure what that exactly says about me as a person, but if loving this crazy bitch is wrong, I don’t want to be right. Girl can rock a shaved dome, too. Not a lot of women can pull it off, yet Kelly does so with style and grace and a “I will take you for everything you have” elegance that has me in a heart-eyes-popping-out-of-a-cartoon-character’s head daze. Love like you see on the big screen or read about, you guys..
[via Fox News]
Totally would
9 years ago at 4:15 pmFuck her. Cancer takes too many good people too soon and she’s using it to make a quick buck. And abusing the philanthropic nature of Greek Life too.
9 years ago at 4:25 pmSorry to post under your comment.
Fuck you Dan. Rot in hell you piece of shit for even thinking that headline was cool. I wouldn’t wish the turmoil families go through because of cancer on my worst enemy.
9 years ago at 8:26 pmSo it’s not cool to make fun of a girl that faked having cancer now? It’s like the most common disease in the world, and we all are eventually going to deal with it if we haven’t already. I have personally five times in my life with a close family member. It sucks, but it’s part of life. Lighten the fuck up
9 years ago at 9:48 pmClose family member was diagnosed with breast cancer. She decided telling jokes about every terrifying step would be her best coping mechanism. So every SJW taking up this “no cancer jokes” mantra can take seat on an impact driver. Thanks, Dan.
9 years ago at 12:17 pmShe shave everything to get into character?
9 years ago at 4:25 pmThis man is asking the real questions.
9 years ago at 5:23 pmReports coming in say she did in fact shave her v for vagina
9 years ago at 12:22 pmThat sounds like way more effort than I’m willing to put towards literally anything in my life
9 years ago at 4:31 pmThe only hospital she should be in is a mental hospital.
9 years ago at 4:33 pmShe went through all of that trouble for $7,500?
9 years ago at 4:40 pmDid she keep the money tho?
9 years ago at 4:41 pmSomeone please tell Kelly that there’s this thing called porn, its legal to do, you could make thousands of dollars, and best of all you can keep your hair. All the cool girls do it, try it out!
9 years ago at 4:43 pmAs someone who’s dad is currently fighting hard to stay alive with cancer, its pretty fucking infuriating to read an article on how you have “fallen in love” with a bitch who used this disease to steal money. fuck you.
9 years ago at 5:01 pmI try to find satire and humor in this site but this was a worthless swing and miss dan. Come back better tomorrow
9 years ago at 6:56 pmUgh, shut up Meg.
9 years ago at 7:28 pmShe deserves to get actual cancer. Seems like a fitting punishment. Hopefully a “boy who cried wolf” situation occurs and no one believes her.
9 years ago at 5:24 pm