I’m In Love With This Delta Zeta Who Allegedly Faked Having Stage 3 Stomach Cancer And Stole $7,500
9 years ago

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Listen, I pride myself on having a finger on the pulse of the Internet and an ear to the ground hearing the slightest rumblings across college campuses nationwide. When friends and family members preface a lead that’s a few days old with “Have you seen this?” I politely inform them that “Yes, I have,” and immediately cut them out of my life for good. I just can’t have these toxic, technology-challenged people potentially dragging down my career as a legitimate, universally respected, award-winning media member with their laughably sluggish news cycle existence. Sorry, Dad. It’s nothing personal, just the nature of the business.

If I don’t cover something on this here website within 24 hours of it breaking, I most likely passed on the story. But as hard as it is to believe, I’m not perfect. Every now and again, something slips by this otherwise brick wall of a net-minder. What can I say? Players fuck up. And though I’m sure there’s a flawless explanation as to why I missed this scoop out of Northern Kentucky University about a month ago, I’m here to own my mistakes and give it the proper reporting that you’ve come to expect out of the three most important letters in journalism. Okay. We’re all good? Let’s dive right in then.

Kelly Schmahl, a 20-year-old Delta Zeta at NKU, is being accused of swindling her parents and sorority sisters into thinking she had stage 3 stomach cancer between June 2016 through March 2017 along with stealing thousands of dollars in philanthropic donations and the heart of this writer in the process.

Police estimate that Schmahl pocketed at least $7,500 during this 10 month period from sorority organized bake sales and fundraisers raising money for Kelly’s cause. Homegirl went all out: impersonating health care professionals while answering phone calls from concerned loved ones, shaving her head, adopting a wheelchair as a new mode of transportation, and writing inspiring blogs about overcoming her hurdle of a disease.

“I have never been one to ask for much, especially when it comes to money and material things, but when I was diagnosed last September, financial support from those around me has become pivotal in my battle.”

Such deceit. Such corruption. Such dedication to the bit. This girl is incredible.

Bamboozling your sorority is one thing. Honestly, it’s probably not even that tough of a challenge. But your parents? The people that birthed and raised you? That is a next-level, sociopathic skill set that is downright sexy. I’m not sure what that exactly says about me as a person, but if loving this crazy bitch is wrong, I don’t want to be right. Girl can rock a shaved dome, too. Not a lot of women can pull it off, yet Kelly does so with style and grace and a “I will take you for everything you have” elegance that has me in a heart-eyes-popping-out-of-a-cartoon-character’s head daze. Love like you see on the big screen or read about, you guys.

[via Fox News]

    1. Back In My Days

      And yet all I can think about is buying a child size pool, filling it with baby oil and wrastling her like I’m Crocodile Dundee in the swamps of Louisiana.

      9 years ago at 5:57 pm
  4. YouRussianBro

    Is deception and moral bankruptcy something Delta Zeta looks for in recruitment? At my school there are several DZs notorious for their psychopathic, immoral shenanigans

    9 years ago at 5:37 pm

  6. i know you wanna be shocking, cool, edgy or whatever to get hits. however, go fuck yourself.

    9 years ago at 6:12 pm
  8. born rich die richer

    She may not have cancer, but I’m pretty sure she has lazy eye.

    9 years ago at 7:02 pm
  9. 2rich4u

    She’s from my hometown. Grew up around her family. Everyone lost their minds when this surfaced and from what I’ve been told there is a lot more to this story that hasn’t been reported yet.

    9 years ago at 7:22 pm
    1. buddahsmcmansion

      Usually the “I know them” posts don’t do too much around here but i would definitely like to hear any more you might have on this headcase.

      9 years ago at 10:06 pm
      1. 2rich4u

        From what has been being said around here there is no way some adult figure in her life wasn’t helping thru-out this process. It’s been generally accepted she suffers from Münchausen syndrome but that doesn’t translate into soliciting money from others. The real fiasco is even if she says someone was helping her do all this all that person would have to say is that she is mentally ill and making it up to try and get out of trouble. It’s going to be real interesting to see how this all plays out.

        9 years ago at 11:38 pm
      2. Mister Sinatra

        Just a quick interjection: Munchausen is actually when someone imposes false illness on another. In fact, they actually call it “Factitious Disorder by Proxy” now. It’s typically assumed that the pretense is that someone in their life wants to remain in “control” of them in the role of caregiver. If this girl is a victim of Munchausen, then it would imply that an influential figure in her life is imposing this concept of having cancer on her.

        9 years ago at 2:12 am
      3. Fratty Couples PGA

        Which would mean that the same individual would be the one who could lie by saying “she’s mentally ill,” thereby maintaining said control. Damn, now I just feel bad for this girl.

        9 years ago at 8:52 am
      5. Mister Sinatra

        They aren’t actually lying. They truly believe her to be sick if they have Munchausen.

        9 years ago at 11:22 am