Important Gym Answers From A Certified Meathead

Dan Regester10 years ago

Whether you’re a rookie or a wily veteran, going to the gym can bring up questions and concerns of utter importance. Thankfully, I’m here to feed you baby birds and answer all the important issues concerning the weight room.

To ask questions for future gym mailbags, tweet @JackGrandex.

Questions

How unacceptable is a gym selfie? I saw a dude standing right in the middle of the floor take TWO selfies. What do you do in this situation? – Swagner

Taking a picture for Instagram while you still have a full pump going is extremely crucial. Waiting until you get home from the gym is the equivalent of filming a porno after the fucking has stopped. In other words, you’re soft. Respect the man’s hustle and go about your own business at the gym.

When is it ok to stare at the dime in yoga pants doing squats? – Allan

This seems obvious. It’s okay when she’s not looking. If she does end up catching you peeking over, completely own it. Bitching out and turning your head makes you look weak. Stare her down and maybe even throw in a wink.

Do you spend more time checking out girls at the gym or yourself in the mirrors? – Danny Regs

Because I went to a big state school that wasn’t difficult to get into, my degree is pretty much worthless. But I made the decision to attend knowing the women at my institution would more than make up for my lack of an education. No other schools accepted me, but it was still my decision to make.

I got so distracted by the dime pieces at our rec center that I was forced to join an outside gym. The talent pool has significantly dropped at this new gym, but I’m able to go about my workout without a full-blast hard-on. So yeah, I look at myself in the mirror much more frequently than the 40-year-old overweight mother of two. How else am I going to spot my imperfections?

Do you use hand sanitizer when you leave the gym so your hands are nice and disinfected when you jerk off later? – Kyle

Thanks for the question, Kyle. Yes, I sanitize every time. EVERY TIME. Thousands of guys before you have touched the same barbells and free weights, ipso facto not sanitizing before spanking the monkey is the same as having thousands of strange dudes jerk you off at the same time.

I’ll start lifting when I stop getting laid. – Tyler

Well Tyler, it seems you don’t understand the concept of a question. Paying for prostitutes is no way to go through life, my friend. Shit gets pricey.

When I do squats, do I really have to go all the way down? – Nathan

Go as far as you think you need to go. Going all the way down is hard, and you’ll look like a jabroni with such light weight. Do what 99% of the gym population does: overcompensate, stack on as much weight as possible, and squat approximately 4 inches down before shooting back up. Don’t forget to lock your knees.

Is it acceptable to use the neck pad for squats? My delicate skin can’t handle the rusty bar. – Silky J

The neck pad has been referred to as the “tampon” since my high school football lifting days. By the sound of your email, I believe it’s perfectly fitting for you, and only you, to use the tampon.

Obviously I’m never going to wear sleeves to the gym, but how many times a week should I wear a frat tank versus a tooled tee? – Dirty Mike and the boys

It really depends on your own wardrobe. Obviously, you should immediately cut off the sleeves of any t-shirt that comes your way. For me, these shirts outnumber my collection of tank tops so my ration might be a bit skewed. There’s no set day for tanks or tool tees. I generally just pick something off the floor and make sure it doesn’t smell like complete ass.

Is excessive grunting as inappropriate in the weight room as it is in the bedroom? – Fratty Skin

The noises and faces you make in the weight room and bedroom should never be held against you. They are primitive, thus natural. Getting animalistic both in the gym and with a slam is just in our DNA as men. Don’t be afraid to let the beast out from time to time.

Is a girl who squats more likely to do butt stuff than those who don’t? – Goto

Girls that squat = girls that care. Girls that care = girls that do butt stuff. By the transitive property, girls that squat = girls that do butt stuff.

Math was always my strong suit.

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