Intern Wes Reads Fan Mail

WJ Cope9 years ago

I don’t have all that long left interning for this site, and pretty soon I’ll have to return to my pointless existence back at school. However, it’s been a great ride over here, and I’ve gotten quite a bit of feedback from the great commenters of TFM in the last few months. I know how much you guys like to joke around, so I’ve selected the very best bits of all the great input I’ve gotten.

“Wes, you could cease to exist and no one would notice.”

My four friends would disagree with you, buddy.

“Your article today gave me both AIDS and Parkinson’s.”

That’s not even possible as far as I know. Or is it? I’m a frat blog writer, not a fuckin’ scientist.

“God you’re the worst, Intern. Crawl back in your crackwhore mother’s uterus and cook a little longer.”

Pretty sure that’s not how that is. Plus, my mother is an angel.

“Melon-fucker”

BASELESS FUCKING ACCUSATIONS! You can’t prove shit, so who’s the melon-fucker now? Certainly not me!

“What, did you take a break from clapping cheeks with the hobo at the train station to get Fail Friday posted?”

I’m not in charge of Fail Friday, but it’s a fair assessment that I would fuck it up if given the responsibility. You got me there.

“Intern, you incompetent fuck. I’d like to pepper spray your urethra.”

You’d better pepper spray my eyes too so I can’t find you and tell you to go away, you big bully.

“I really dislike you, if you know what I mean.”

I think I have some notion.

“INTERN YOU FUCKING GREASY HAMSTER SACK OF SHIT EAT THE CORN OUT OF MY ASSHOLE”

I enjoy corn on the cob, popcorn, corn chowder, and even creamed corn, but I’d much rather eat it from a plate than an asshole. If that is a delicacy in the country you’re from, I apologize for my insensitivity.

“You’re a stupid fuck, Wes.”

I’m still not used to the fact that you guys know my name, and Dorn just informed me that my next column will literally be just my social security number. So have fun with that.

“I hate you so much. You’ve made TFM less frat than it already was, as if that was even possible.”

You’ll understand better when you have a high school diploma. It really puts things in perspective.

“This article was a bigger letdown than when you were born.”

Not sure which article you were referring to, but it could have been almost any one of them. Fair enough.

“Holy fuck I wish you didn’t survive the abortion so I wouldn’t have to see this shitty article
If I could go back in time and kill one person I’d be present at your birth so the moment you popped out I could strangle you out with your own umbilical cord you simple bitch.”

This sounds like the plot of the shittiest Terminator movie ever thought of, and that’s saying a lot..

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