Introducing The Men Behind These Legendary Fraternity Composite Photos

Jared Borislow9 years ago

The men and mascots pictured below are all legends of the fraternal world, and deserve to be treated as such. In order for you to fully appreciate their gloriousness, I have listed all of their notable accomplishments and/or contributions to Greek life.

It’s time to pay credit where credit is due.

Though unassuming at first glance, you could never count out David Horsecock when it came to women. Why? Because, like his name implies, he’s hung like the Eiffel Tower. Davey the Horse was actually banned from his fraternity’s ritual meetings because he was deemed a fire hazard — dude would turn around too quickly and have his swinging moray eel of a dong knocking candles off tables left and right. Girls would literally form a line at formal to check out his hog. Odds are Horsecock would end up swooping your date by the time the buses loaded up to head back to campus, too, and all you could do was take it. You knew he pleasured her in ways you could not, so you couldn’t be mad about it. Dave had this insane aura about him that actually made you feel bad that he had to come swoop your date.

“Sorry I wasn’t good enough for her and had to have you do all the dirty work, Dave. That’s on me. Won’t happen again.”

David Horsecock: humble and effective.

Nobody has ever been more committed to a joke than Lord Derrickson. Absolutely obsessed with Lord Scott Disick of Kardashian fame, Derrickson, whose given name is Clyde, specifically chose to study abroad in London so that he could purchase a knighthood and proudly wear the title of “Lord” like his idol. The London study abroad program he chose didn’t even have any classes that counted towards his major. He gave up thousands of dollars and six months of his life to receive a purchased title in a fifteen-minute ceremony presided over by a priest who moonlighted as a dilly boy that dished out sloppy, five-quid handies behind the Marks & Spencer. That’s dedication.

Upon returning from London, at this point fully engrossed in the delusion that he is Lord Disick, Lord Derrickson took on the role of Programming Chairman for his fraternity. He used the position to broadcast 24 straight hours of the reality television program Keeping Up with the Kardashians every day for an entire semester.

Lord Derrickson: delusional yet dedicated.

Only two things are certain about Pu Nani:

1. He fucked your bitch.

2. Every time you fucked your bitch after Pu Nani did, she was thinking about him.

Pu actually comes from humble beginnings. Born Richard Theodore Nani, a sweat gland disorder caused him to smell of dirty gym socks for most of his adolescence, earning him the nickname “P.U. Nani.” Even after he got the problem fixed his junior year of high school, the nickname stuck. Richard, in a legendary fake-it-til-you-make-it move, completely rebranded himself when he rushed a fraternity in college.

“I’m Richard Nani, but my friends call me Pu, because I bang that motherfucking pusspuss punani on the reg.”

Pu went from loser to legend overnight, instantly rising to the top of every fraternity’s rush list. The rest is history.

Pu Nani: from rags to riches.

Stanley H.B. Allan’s composite photo is incredibly misleading. While his title makes it appear as if he is giving sex lessons to women, that’s actually not the case.

Allan, blessed with hips that could gyrate like a Cuisinart mixer and a fraternal hangdown second only to Davey Horsecock, noticed that some of his brothers were not as good at sex as he. Thus, he took it upon himself to change that. He held info sessions and night classes, and even supervised some of his students mid-coitus to help them be the best lovers they could possibly be. Girls loved Allan’s work, guys loved that girls loved Allan’s work, and everybody loved Allan for teaching it.

Stanley H.B. Allan: knowledgable and selfless.

When you look at Mr. Keg, he appears to just be a keg of Coors Light.

Because that’s exactly what he was. And everybody loved him for it.

Mr. Keg: Coors and light..

Do you have any celebrity composite photos from your chapter or another chapter on campus? How about just plain hilarious composite photos from normal brothers? Email both to jared@totalfratmove.com