Introducing Your Official 2016 Not Frat Bracket Champion: Feminism
9 years ago

FratBracketChamp

*** VERY IMPORTANT: Listen to the below song while you read this article***

It’s been decided. After six rounds of intense matchups between strong contenders such as cargos, slacklining, man buns, vaping, and veganism, we have a definitive answer to the question, “What is the most not frat (NF) thing in the world right now?”

In an insanely close 51%-49% matchup, 3 seed Feminism topped 2 seed Hillary Clinton by a mere 240 votes. Congratulations, feminism — and remember, this is over-the-top, bleeding-heart, women-are-better-than-men feminism; we’re not savages (we love women!) — you’re officially the furthest thing from being frat in the known universe. Let’s take a look at feminism’s road to (un)glory.

Round of 64: #3 Feminism vs. #14 Flat-brim hats

Feminism made easy work of flat-brim hats, or, as we like to call them, 21st century dunce caps. With 84% of the vote, feminism made Rickie’s lame go-to choice in headgear look like the FaF bucket hat in comparison. Those lame lids never stood a chance.

Round of 32: #3 Feminism vs. #6 Hoverboards

Not even the spontaneously combustible hoverboard could slow down feminism. With 88% of the vote, the Feminazis beat the 6 seed by an even larger margin than they beat the 14 seed. Unlike the scent of the underside of feminists’ armpits, feminism in this tournament clearly was improving as time went on. An essential quality for it to have, as the Sweet Sixteen saw feminism face its toughest challenger yet

Sweet Sixteen: #2 Bernie Sanders vs. #3 Feminism

A strong 2 seed, socialist supreme leader Bernie Sanders looked to be on a fast track (or at least a track that’s as fast as he’s capable of moving these days) to the Elite Eight. But no; feminism looked him in the eyes and said “fuck outta here” before conquering him and his handouts 62% to 38%. A minor but telling upset.

Elite Eight: #3 Feminism vs. #8 Gun control

In the Elite Eight, #3 Feminism was heavily favored over semi-Cinderella 8 seed Gun control. With gun control a hot button issue at the time this round was going on, I figured the underdog had a shot. Nope. Feminism continued on its war path with a 67%-33% whomping. MAYBE IF GUN CONTROL WAS ALLOWED TO HAVE GUNS IT COULD’VE WON THE BATTLE.

Final Four: #1 North Korea vs. #3 Feminism

This is where I thought feminism would falter. North Korea is a totalitarian, authoritarian, (insert additional awful, oppressive form of government buzz word here) dictatorship. It is the antithesis of freedom, America’s core value. But no, you, our loyal readers, thought feminists were worse than the North Koreans by an incredible margin of 75%-25%. An interesting decision that I am forced to accept as fract (frat fact).

Championship Game: #2 Hillary Clinton vs. #3 Feminism

In a battle of an un-American feminist champion versus the concept of feminism, I saw this one going either way. And, in effect, it was a complete toss-up. Nobody wins in the battle of Hillary Clinton vs. feminism, just like nobody wins in the battle of Hillary Clinton vs. Trump. We all just live with them and try to let them affect our lives as little as possible. It’s all we can do.

And now, a look at all of feminism’s greatest hits:

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Cover photo by Connor Davis. Follow him on Instagram.

  2. WhiteNation88

    Once again, we have to cuck and and clarify that ‘normal’ feminism or the myth of equality of the sexes is just well and good, “and remember, this is over-the-top, bleeding-heart, women-are-better-than-men feminism”

    Women should not hold political office, they should not vote on the political direction of the country. This is not ‘savage’, this is in fact loving our women as it is not their place to participate in such things as they are biologically unequipped for doing so on the whole. They will be better off if we restricted them from these things. They, and we can clearly see this after such an amount of time, are easily manipulated by (((nefarious groups))) who use the ploy of emotional rhetoric to use them as a weapon against what they see as a group which must be stripped of all power for past ‘injustices’. I’ll let you figure out who that is.

    A woman should not be encouraged/trained/taught towards attaining some desk job in a cubicle making 50K a year. This is not fufilling. We should be teaching our daughters how to be good mothers, and raise the next generation. This is arguably as important as any job a man undertakes. All people who shame women for being homemakers should be deported.

    Feminism. Not even once.

    9 years ago at 8:22 pm
      2. 1995

        Yeah. No real man says things like “women should not hold political office, they should not vote on the political direction of the country” when in fact women have been voting for years, holding positions for years, doing life-saving research in everything from cancer to heart disease for years, and driving forward technology for years. You sound really, really stupid.

        9 years ago at 9:47 pm
      6. 1995

        Yeah I don’t spend all my time on TFM so I didn’t reply right away. But the founders of this country were alive more than 200 years ago, when people thought there was still a possibility that the earth was flat and slavery was okay. AKA as humans evolve and get smarter, they stop having backwards beliefs…well, some humans. Clearly you were not a part of that lucky evolved group.

        9 years ago at 8:57 pm
    3. WalkerTXRanger

      Son, I’ve said this to you before, and I’ll say it again because you’re clearly a dense motherfucker. Thinking that women are inferior doesn’t make you “frat”, it makes you wrong.

      9 years ago at 6:44 pm
  5. Hoosier Fucking Daddy

    on a very unrelated note, how awesome is One Shining Moment? Definitely one of the best parts of the real tourney

    9 years ago at 12:48 am