iPhone’s Siri Is Like A Pledge That Doesn’t Suck
13 years ago

I have been a Blackberry guy for a while now. For some reason I never really jumped onto the iPhone bandwagon. When it came to my phone, having the newest, greatest thing did not seem too important to me. I never had a desire to play games like “Angry Birds” or “Words With Friends” because I had better shit to do during my day. I never needed a high-resolution camera on my phone because I don’t take pictures. Touch screens never crossed my mind because, frankly, I have a knack for getting drunk and violent, and one of the best things you can chuck across a room at a pledge is your phone. Needless to say, the iPhone wasn’t meant for guys like me.

The blackberry was the perfect example of function over form. I could text, I could call, and if my morning after bathroom visit was really painstaking, I could read some TFMs to take my mind off the maelstrom I was concocting underneath the toilet seat. However, last week my contract ended and it was time to renew. Instead of renewing my plan and replacing my Curve with whatever bullshit had recently been released to try and compete with Zombie Steve Jobs, my dad informed me the rest of the family wanted iPhones this year and that’s what we were getting. So that was it. I was going to have to make a change because my family needed the newest and best, and I wasn’t very thrilled. That is, until I went into the service center and had the rep show me the one thing I had no idea was going to be included: Motherfucking Siri.

Apparently ole Steve had one last trick up his sleeve before he decided to ditch Silicon Valley for a cushy job making iClouds up in heaven. For those of you who, like me, had missed the media bombardment of what the iPhone 4S can do, it includes a voice reading software called Siri that can do just about everything but wipe your ass…which would have been cool for those aforementioned beer shits, but I’m still very content. When the rep asked me to give my iPhone a command, my mind and mouth clicked and “pledge” sprang off my tongue. After Siri processed for about a second, I was amazed to see that every pledge’s number was listed on the screen for me to pick from. Seriously, the hardest thing I had to do was make the choice on which one to call. Keep in mind, this was a feature that I had no idea existed until a week ago, and it is now something I can’t imagine not having on my phone.

During my weekend of belligerence that included the World’s Largest Outdoor Cocktail Party, I managed to use Siri to its full potential. The phone pretty much helped me survive. If I got lost, I could bark a location and it turned me right back around. When I got too hammered at The Landing, a slurred “taxi” mumbled Siri’s way was all it took to get me a ride back to where I was staying. Hell, on the taxi ride home I even yelled “prostitutes” at the fucking thing. Although I didn’t get a list of girls I had hooked up with over the past month, Siri did find every escort service within a 20-mile radius. I was sold. The iPhone has a built in pledge, except this pledge is always on time and never wrong.

So, am I happy that I finally took the leap into the iWorld? I guess I can’t say no. Siri can send slams drunken texts when I can barely open my eyes during a bender, and can read my texts when I can barely open my eyes after a bender. It can even be told to call people at five in the morning and deliver automated messages, perfect for waking up your associate member cleaning crew with Sunday morning tasks. I’m still not going to be jumping on the Angry Birds bandwagon any time soon, and don’t expect me to tweet pictures just because now my phone has an 8 megapixel camera, but know that the iPhone 4S is solid if only for Siri alone. Now all I need is an Otterbox so I can start launching my phone at these god-awful pledges again.