Is Johnny Manziel The Next Kim Kardashian? My JFF Conspiracy Theory

El Taco9 years ago

Johnny Manziel might say he wants to continue his NFL career, but his actions, time and again, seem to contradict that. While most star-caliber NFL players (including the great and humble J.J. Watt) are working their asses off this offseason, Manziel appears to be continuing his partying ways. On Tuesday, Johnny Football nabbed a plane to Cabo — one of Mexico’s biggest party cities.

It’s as if he doesn’t care about signing with a team and making more millions. It kind of makes you wonder how and why his partying continues so publicly, doesn’t it? While you might be sitting there pondering this existential question, I believe I have the answer to it: the fucking Kardashians (I’m onto you, Ryan Seacrest).

See, if Johnny truly wanted to be an NFL quarterback, he might’ve toned things down, at least publicly, after the first dozen times someone said something. But, then again, being an NFL starting quarterback usually comes with 300-lb linemen grinding your dick into the dirt every play, a series of concussions, dementia by the time you’re 37 years old, then you’re dead by your next birthday. That’s life and JFF knows that. It makes for a sad, sad story. But a floundering 1st round quarterback? Now that’s something.

We all know about Ryan Leaf — the biggest flop in NFL history. Now, fast forward about 20 years. We live in 2016 where name recognition and your personal brand mean everything. The media goes wild every time he so much as posts a pic to Instagram. Sound familiar?

Let’s take a journey and travel back to 2003 when a little-known Kim Kardashian made a sex tape with then-boyfriend Ray J. It was a milestone moment in celebrity sex tape history. People cried. Illnesses were cured. The Pope made it a holy day of observation. And then, a few years later, the Kardashian clan scored a major TV deal with E! It’s one of the most successful shows in television history and last year the clan signed a $100 million, four-year deal to keep the show running. That’s more than JFF would be making in the league. Plus, he’s already got an “in” to the fam.

It’s all starting to come together now. Johnny Football no longer wants to play football. He’s a businessman who wants to party and make money. From here, there is only one likely route Johnny will take: He’ll move into the Kardashian’s house, poison the entire family with his special “12th Man” sauce, take the camera crew hostage, violently murder one of them to assert his dominance, then become an American hero.

Should someone stop him? Maybe. But then again, it’s best to let nature run its course.

I, for one, am excited for 2020’s hottest new show: “Keeping Up With Johnny.” It will be as titillating as it will be raunchy. I only hope President Kanye will make an appearance..