I’ve Never Played Fortnite

Buzzy Robinson7 years ago

The reason that I didn’t bother with Fortnite back in the early days of its popularity is fairly straightforward. Everybody was already fucking obsessed with it. By the time I found out what the game even was, all of my friends were already black belts. Textbook case of missing the wave, I guess. And, since I personally didn’t understand the hype, I decided to just take a knee.

Live and let Fortnite, if you will. I’m more of a NHL/FIFA man anyway. Occasionally you’re better off just not dipping your toe into a particular pool of crazy. So I didn’t. I just went about my business as usual, sans Fortnite.

Ignoring and solving a problem are basically two sides of the same coin, right? I mean come on. What was I supposed to do, walk into a room full of dudes who, unbeknownst to me, had spent every waking second of the past semester consumed by a cult-like, testosterone fueled obsession with a game that I’d barely even heard of? And then what? Proceed to casually try my hand at said game? Forget about it. I would be shat upon. Hard pass.

It’s for precisely this reason that I will most likely die having never seen the movie Titanic. In my head, whenever I imagine asking somebody if they’re down (haha) to watch Titanic with me, they always respond, “Dude, why the fuck haven’t you seen Titanic!?”

It’s pretty much like if I were to, hypothetically, try smoking crack cocaine for the first time. I probably wouldn’t do it with, say, Charlie Sheen. It’s my first time! I want a salt-on-your-eggs dose of crack. How am I supposed to exercise crack moderation when I’m hanging out with a man who’s “banging seven gram rocks, and finishing them” because he’s got “one speed, one gear, GO!”

It really isn’t a crazy analogy considering how pharmaceutically addictive the game has proven to be. I bet if I asked 90% of the guys in my house if they would rather A) permanently quit playing Fortnite, or B) never ever receive another blow-Johnson ever again, as long as they live… they would have to think about it for a hot sec.

One of my brothers is probably upstairs right now wrapping Band-Aids around his fingers like Miles Teller practicing drums in Whiplash, just gearing up for another marathon Fornite sesh.

That being said, I sincerely don’t hate these guys for being so preposterously hooked on a video game. Their girlfriends on the other hand… But, whatever. There’s definitely way worse shit to be obsessed with. Lots of stuff. Weird stuff. Sex stuff. Crime stuff. Both? The male brain usually reserves this particular level of energy for things that are either sexual or illegal so we should really just shut up and be grateful it’s only a video game.

But come on, boys. Let’s tone it down a bit. Even Eminem took a break from parachuting pain pills up his asshole back in 2009 to drop both Relapse AND Relapse: Refill. Which somehow won a Teen Choice Award despite being one of the most preposterously, disturbingly explicit rap albums of all time (insert Slim Shady line about shitty parenting).

So please put down the Xbox controller and come downstairs for a few solid hours of good old-fashioned organized binge-drinking. I miss you guys..