Joey Chestnut Wins 6th Hot Dog Eating Title, Respect Still Eludes the Champion
12 years ago

Yesterday, 28-year-old San Jose native and former little kid who would eat anything for a dollar, even worms and poop, Joey “Jaws” Chestnut won his sixth straight Fourth of July hot dog eating contest at Coney Island. Chestnut downed 68 hot dogs in ten minutes, in what I’m sure was a disgusting display of commitment and gluttony. His win yesterday marks 6 straight for Chestnut, tying the record set by Asian wiener vacuum Takeru Kobayashi.

Chestnut is a surprisingly solid 6’0 tall 218 pounds and comes out to the frat anthem “Baba O’Reilly” by The Who, which I guess creates an intimidating presence in the world of competitive eating. The competition is made up of try-hard, formerly neglected children that could only gain attention from eating massive amounts of food in the cafeteria and at late night food joints, and has been going on for 97 years. Not much about this competition is respectable, but there is one aspect that is down right disgusting and should not be allowed or encouraged by any means. The eating contest has a female division. Sonya “Black Widow” Thomas from Alexandria, VA won the women’s competition while losing her dignity on a national level. The Black Widow ate 45 hot dogs in 10 minutes. Though not a big girl (5’5 100 lbs), she took down the meaty, phallic snacks like a porn star desperate to make that month’s rent. Congratulations go to Joey Chestnut for the victory, and congratulations to Sonya Thomas for degrading herself on more levels than a reality starlet. At least the title is staying in America.