Labor Day
13 years ago

Brothers,

Labor Day. It’s like the 4th of July for people who like Fall. It’s basically the day that heralds the beginning of one of the greatest times of the year. College football has kicked off (TCU apparently sucks without gingers) and baseball playoffs are near. It is at this time that I fell it necessary to bring in a small dose of clarity amongst the various Autumn-related shenanigans we’re all sure to take part in during the immediate future.

Labor Day isn’t just a day where idiots stop wearing white (try to tell Mark Twain when he can and can’t wear white suits), it’s also an opportunity for us to take stock in our current status as a labor-based nation. As many of you who believe in things like “commerce” and “business” already know, America is no longer a country with a strong manufacturing core. In simpler terms, we don’t make shit anymore. Our biggest exports are sports drinks, porn, reality TV, and the ability to lie to women to get them in bed.

Obviously it doesn’t directly affect any of us that assembly line jobs are few and far between. I haven’t sat down recently and complained about not being able to get a job controlling robot devices that build Razor scooters. But it speaks a lot about our country that we’re forced to outsource everything from cars to iPods to other countries who are much more lenient about silly things like working conditions and fair wages. You’d think that we could use all our ingenuity to find a way to stay competitive with the Chinese. I mean, they base their entire culture on eating rice and drawing stupid brush drawings in sand. And somehow those kung-fu douchers have not only stolen our jobs, but also our touchstone kids movies about learning discipline from martial arts (I don’t give a shit who you are, Jackie Chan is in no way comparable to Mr. Miyagi).

So, what do we do? Again, I could delve into specific solutions about venture capital funds and an increased focus on quality products made by Americans over penny-cost Beanie Babies, but I am, at my core, an ideas man…and I’m also not getting paid to do this shit. So first solution, let’s not try to create millions of new jobs, let’s just focus on creating one. That job would be the High-Level Ideas Czar. And this won’t be just a title; it’ll be a fucking Cabinet post. And who do we pick to head this new division? Sterling Cooper? Yeah…that fucking guy.

I know what you’re all thinking. The last thing we need is more government control over the private sector, why the hell are you creating an entire new job that seems to do exactly that? And you’re right. Which is why this job won’t have any actual authority over what happens. It’s just (in the words of dear old Teddy) a great bully pulpit. All I need is a big fucking microphone, and the change will come.

I left word with the White House about my new plan, but apparently those guys are taking Labor Day off too. So in the meantime, I’ll do what I had originally planned on doing (beers, lakes, and generally not giving a fuck about health and/or safety). Until such a time that Washington gets serious about getting serious, I will be partying my scrotum off. I suggest you do the same. But feel free to take any and all drunken opportunities to rant about the current state of affairs in our country. That’s what liberty is all about. Ron Paul said so.

  2. Fratfaced

    Why are people shitting on Cooper for being a GDI? Even if he was simply in a social club, his columns are frattier than at least 95% of the PIKEs on this site, and he’s certainly frattier than the zit-riddled high schoolers who think trolling is still funny.

    Yes, being FaF does first involve being Frat, but I’d argue that in Sterling’s case, even if someone can prove that he’s a GDI, being Frat is more than just getting yourself a bid, and Sterling has certainly proved that with his columns so far.

    13 years ago at 9:37 pm
  4. Dip

    The US “doesn’t make shit anymore,” apparently? Have you been on the internet lately? Ever heard of Facebook or Google? Amazon?The biggest company in the country, Apple, admittedly has China build all of its wonderful products (and has American liberals advertise for them, sadly), but that’s not to say we don’t make shit anymore. Not your best work, Sterling.

    13 years ago at 10:10 pm
    1. Mike Hancho

      Are you fucking retarded? Look at every one of those things you just wrote down. NONE of them are companies that make a profit by manufacturing products in America. Like seriously you’re THAT fucking stupid. American companies make almost all of their money by providing services, like Facebook, Google, and Amazon. I hope your account gets deleted you piece of trash. Go crawl back to your cardboard box, peasant.

      13 years ago at 12:41 am
    3. Dip

      Well gee, Mike Hancho, thanks for the constructive criticism. As a matter of fact, I’m not “fucking retarded,” but that was a great way to establish your credibility. Second of all, I didn’t say any of those companies made profits by manufacturing products in America, I simply took issue with the author’s assumption that, and I’ll quote him again for you, the US “doesn’t make shit anymore.” I responded to that claim with the observation that yes, the US does continue to “make shit,” as companies like Google and Facebook and Amazon are all “making shit” at a high profit level. Just because you may not consider the internet “industry,” it’s still a huge market. America, as usual, is taking advantage of this recently developed market and profiting on a large scale off of it. Hell, they made a movie about Facebook, that should have put things into simple terms for you, no? I hope you appreciate the fact that I clarified things for you, because I wasn’t even going to respond. Then, I saw that you called me a peasant (along with retard, stupid, and trash). I won’t stoop to your level (ironic that the peasant says that) of insulting people to make a point, but I will tell you that I’d probably put money on the fact that you don’t even go to college, and if you do, you don’t go to a very good one. You should take a look in the mirror, reevaluate your priorities, take a few days off, and seriously reconsider everything you stand for.

      13 years ago at 1:36 pm