Lance Armstrong Attempts Beer Mile, Fails Miserably On First Lap
11 years ago

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Ah, the beer mile. A classic, athletically regimented drinking feat first realized in the history books circa 778 B.C., just two years after the first recorded Olympic games took place in ancient Greece. Maybe I just made that up, but whatever. I’m assuming our male psyche hasn’t evolved that much in the last 2,700 years, and it’s funny to imagine a belligerent Hercules running circles around foes, and all the while, crushing every cup of mead he could get his hands on.

For those unaware of what the stunning combination of imbibing and sport entails, it’s simple: four quarter-mile laps, and a beer to drink before running each of them. They have world championships for this stuff, guys. Honestly.

For some reason, disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong was ballsy enough to show up for the recent Flotrack Beer Mile World Championships in Austin, Texas, thinking that he could hang with some guys who would be solid gold medal contenders if this magnificent amalgamation of the two things guys do best (sports and beer, duh) was an actual Olympic event.

Unsurprisingly–probably because of the absence of steroids these days–the same guy who cheated his way to seven consecutive wins in a 2,667 mile race couldn’t even make it past the first quarter-mile. This means you can most likely run a faster beer mile than a seven-time Tour de France winner (HUGE ASTERISK) so be proud of that, and revel with me in watching Armstrong fail miserably in his attempt.

Armstrong showed literally zero heart. Why even show up if you’re not going to give your all to finish? That’s totally the attitude of a loser.

How about the two guys who actually dominate, though? A mile and four beers in a little more than six minutes? They went all out and turned in two seriously impressive performances. That’s the thing about this sport, though: it takes balls.

For reference, the world record is 4:57, and it was run by James “The Beast” Nielsen. He drinks Budweiser.

[via SI Extra Mustard]

Image via Youtube

    3. HNIC

      Came to the comment section expecting a balls joke to the top comment. Happy to say I wasn’t disappointed.

      11 years ago at 1:17 am
    1. SEC_Rodge_Dorn

      #PantUpDon’tLOOT
      Just read the Wilson supporters in Ferguson raised $3,000 for this billboard.

      11 years ago at 11:05 am
      1. Fratasaurus

        He’s being serious. There’s a billboard in Ferguson that says that. Of course, those people are going to riot no matter what the verdict is.

        11 years ago at 12:02 pm
  6. In_need_of_a_Sig

    “disgraced cyclist Lance Armstrong was ballsy enough to show up”

    I like what was done here.

    11 years ago at 10:09 am
    1. ILoveFratking

      I would’ve expected a roid-induced rampage from this cheater. Running the 4 laps in 37 seconds and pounding each beer, can and all, before sprinting his ball-less self home screaming.

      11 years ago at 11:08 am
  8. Sorry_SirTFM

    Anyone else remember the good ole days when “The Porn Guy” not only was allowed to post porn links in the comments, but was also encouraged and praised by users and staff alike?

    11 years ago at 10:23 am
    1. BigFrocket

      First the forum, now a ban on .gifs except for the staff? Talk about going overboard.

      11 years ago at 10:37 am
      9. ILoveFratking

        You really pushed the envelop with all of these.. And failed miserably. Your name had potential, but I say you scrap it and start over. There’s no coming back from this.

        11 years ago at 10:42 am