16 GroupMe Messages That Would Get Your Fraternity Shut Down If They Were Leaked

Jared Borislow8 years ago

Every fraternity in America that hasn’t yet been kicked off campus is currently walking on eggshells. University Greek life offices are seemingly wired to hairpin triggers; all it takes is the most minor bump and they go off, destroying everything in their path (including all the history associated with the organizations they’re eviscerating). It’s tragic. If you want to not see your chapter be the next one gone, make sure messages like these in your fraternity GroupMe don’t get leaked.

1. Who wants to get fucked up? I need to do enough PCP tonight to think of a good spot to bury this dead hooker.
2. Do any live-ins know how to change a lightbulb? That’s currently stuck in a crying pledge’s anus hole?
3. SOS. NEED CONDOM. GIRL WON’T LET ME RAW DOG ASS.
4. A warning to anyone else who consistently steals Tucker’s shampoo in the shower, it stings your dick hole if you try to JO with it.
5. AEPhis are coming over tonight. Macon, I heard you make the joke at breakfast, but PLEASE don’t actually ask them if their favorite character in Beauty and the Beast is the talking menorah.
6. Pledges will be here in 15, everyone remember it’s BYOB (bring your own blowtorch).
7. We’ve settled on Carrington’s mom’s vagina as this semester’s formal location, as it’s the only place where 3+ guys can stay for free.
8. That neighborhood boy I paid to stand lookout on 4th street just told me the cops are on the way, HIDE THE COKE LUGE!
9. No lighting farts on fire at this year’s St. Paddy’s darty. That Kappa’s eyebrows still haven’t grown back from last year’s fiasco.
10. A: WHY IS THERE A FROZEN TURD IN THE COMMUNAL FREEZER?!?!?!?!?!?
    B: Chill dude it’s for science
11. Don’t use the downstairs toilet. Some chick filled it with a combination of every gross substance in her body and now it smells terrible and turned a color I didn’t even know existed.
12. That pledge I sent to sign into Chem 102 for me all semester got caught, so I told my professor he stole my identity. She believed me. The university judicial board hearing is next week. Who wants to tailgate it?
13. Putting “cake farts” up on the projector in the backyard followed by “congratulations on your bear.” gonna be lit, BYOMeth
14. A: Where the fuck is my car battery?
    B: basement
15. Word to the wise: university cops don’t like being called “less of a cop than a transvestite stripper with a plastic sheriff’s badge,” and telling them “you won’t” when they have a taser pointed at you results in 50,000 volts to the nards. Long story frat, i just got a new iPhone because the one in my pocket during that exchange got fried; need numbers.
16. Whover left that weed brownie bar in the comural freezer, much appreeshhhhh. Tasted like dog ‘s shit but fucke me uuuuuuuup .,.