Legions Of Teenage Girls Believe Dzhokhar Tsarnaev Is Too Cute To Be Guilty Of The Boston Bombings, Are INSANE
12 years ago

For the longest time I thought teenage girl fads like Bieber Fever and Type One Direction Diabetes (that Harry is so sweet) were simply the innocent obsessions of young girls, the same way teenage girls of my own generation obsessed over N’Sync and O-Town. Sure this generation is a little more psychotic about their teen idols; you definitely run a higher risk of being shivved with a sharpened hair beret while trying to work your way to the front of the stage at a concert than you did a decade ago. Still, it never seemed like anything new. As far back as the early ’90s, Mark Wahlberg’s older brother had been getting willing 16-year-olds pregnant in the bowels of Madison Square Garden.

After this most recent news story from The Huffington Post, however, I’m officially ready to declare the generation of teenage girls, ages 12-17, legitimately crazy. Not “girl crazy,” not “OMG my body is changing in new and weird ways and it’s making me unstable, crazy.” I’m talking full blown clinically insane. Legions of teenage girls believe Dzhokhar Tsarnaev is too cute to be guilty, and I blame Bieber.

He’s too beautiful to have murdered innocent people? Ted Bundy would have loved you.

I also blame the internet. There is a new level of media fanaticism and attention seeking that is unprecedented, and nobody does it crazier than teenage girls today.

Could this have theoretically happened a decade ago? Sure, but back then any obsession over a cute (child murdering) terrorist would have resulted in some girl’s parents finding a collage of magazine cutouts glued to a poster board hidden in the back of her closet, possibly with a Dashboard Confessional song playing on a loop. The dad would burn the collage, the girl would scream “I HATE YOU AND YOU DON’T UNDERSTAND ME THIS IS WHY I CUT MYSELF!”, and then the parents would force their daughter to see a psychiatrist until she realized that her behavior wasn’t normal. Those really were the good ole days.

Now, however, long before parents can properly medicate their children until the side effects of their raging hormones are sedated, their new-lows-of-desperately-seeking-a-boyfriend daughters have thousands of other equally crazy girls to chat with online and justify their obsessions.

“OMG!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! You think Jahar is cute 2?”

“Totes a cutie!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

“I KNEW THIS WAS NORMAL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!”

Did I get the number of exclamation points right? I feel like it correlates to exactly how crazy their eyes are.

Here are some more tweets about Dzhokhar Tsarnaev being hawt, in case you didn’t hate today enough already.

One girl even wants to get a tweet sent by Dzhokhar Tsarnaev tattooed on her body, presumably to distract her parents’ anger from the unwanted pregnancy she’s going to have to tell them about.

The New York Post spoke to one 18-year-old who insists the evidence against him does not add up and had planned to get words from one of Dzhokhar’s own last tweets inscribed on her permanently.

“Getting one of Jahar’s tweets tattooed on me tomorrow. Guess you could say I’m a #FreeJahar supporter,” @keepitbluntedd tweeted on May 7.

Alisha had earmarked Tsarnaev’s April 7 tweet reading: “If you have the knowledge and the inspiration, all that’s left is to take action” for a spot on her arm.

On the arm? I feel like this is the perfect tat to have inked on your lower back and surrounded by roses…because you’re trash.

The Free Jahar Facebook page is even receiving “sexy” pictures from supporters. Oh by the way, feel free to go troll the shit out of that bad boy.

o-DZHOKHAR-TSARNAEV-570

The opposite of a TFM Sweetheart.

To be fair though, this whole Dzhokhar Tsarnaev obsession has brought on one positive aspect. Apparently there are rumors going around that his penis was amputated because, well, why not? Naturally, this isn’t sitting well with his fans.

I don’t know who that troll is, but he’s a patriot.

Granted, not all of these girls are American, but still, what in the fuck is wrong with you!?! Flicking your bean to Info Wars is a whole new, terrifying level of crazy. Get a hold of yourselves.

[via The Huffington Post]

***

  2. Top_Gun

    I hope to God and in the great name of America that none of these sad little girls are children of any service member, emergency personel, or previous members of our great greek community. Fucking embarassments. For them to say this is a damn disgrace, and they deserve to be put in front of a firing squad. I think that is pretty nice if you ask me. Just another reason why I know I am going to raise my children the right fucking way.

    12 years ago at 1:16 pm
  4. Fratmiral Nelson

    So how does this work now? If it’s a suicide-bombing, you get 72 virgins in heaven, but if it’s just a regular bombing, you get 200 virgins on twitter?

    Someone should start a rumor within Al-Qaeda that says you get 200 virgins in heaven if you suicide-shoot yourself in the head.

    12 years ago at 1:20 pm
    1. ThinkThereforeFRAT

      Like many parts of the Bible there are multiple ways to translate parts of the Quran. The part about 72 virgins is actually much more likely to refer to white grapes. That would have to be pretty disappointing to find in heaven when you get there.

      12 years ago at 9:30 pm
    2. Tallapoosa Snu

      I don’t know, a lot of people don’t get enough fruit in their diet. I think blowing yourself up is kind of excessive to get a nice bowl of grapes, but who am I to judge?

      12 years ago at 1:47 pm
  6. starsandstripes94

    I never really thought this nation would live to see this day. Fuck these girls, and fuck their parents who are unfortunately too idiotic to realize that this is America and we’re not supposed to let our children grow up to perform this type of profound bullshit. I mean, really, he’s fucking cute? WHO FUCKING CARES? I forgot we’re supposed to excuse the killings of innocent americans because the murderer is “cute”. If you ask me, that guy needs to fire his barber and file a lawsuit against him immediately. That shit on top of his head is a trainwreck. I pray these girls receive psychiatric help immediately. God bless the USA and no place else. And for the jerkoff that will reply saying, “Except Canada” no, fuck canada too.

    12 years ago at 1:22 pm
  7. IlliBROis

    Took a look at the Facebook group. Most of the people aren’t even from the U.S.

    12 years ago at 1:24 pm
  9. Richard Head

    I sincerely hope all of these dumb bitches get a pressure cooked load in the eyes, thus permanently losing their sense of sight. Dumb bitches.

    12 years ago at 1:48 pm
  10. coolstorybro92

    I live in Boston and I would love to see what happens if any of these bitches walked in front of my house

    12 years ago at 2:19 pm
  11. Sic Semper FRATannis

    The Tsaernev’s were framed!

    Luckily they had all those explosives and weapons nearby, just in case…

    12 years ago at 2:26 pm