Life After College Is Terrible
For a long time, I thought life after college would be some sort of movie-like sequence. I saw myself wearing a suit in a dimly lit bar, drinking expensive whiskey and laughing out loud at mature humor while grabbing my sexy, out-of-my-league girlfriend’s ass. We would enjoy our drinks, then head home and have crazy sex, utilizing positions previously unknown to mankind. The next morning I’d head to my high-paying job, where I treat my interns just the same as pledges, except worse.
Life after college is nothing like this. In fact, it’s the complete opposite. I currently find myself at home drinking Busch Light, eating spicy jalapeño Cheetos, and getting a boner every time Flo (The Progressive Girl) comes on during commercial breaks.
There are no more frat parties for me. No more all-night drinking sessions leading to hungover test-taking. No more bong hits with the Jimmy John’s delivery driver (just kidding — that shit never stops).
Life after college is a nightmare up from which we all will never wake. Do you remember what it was like when you were pledging and those old dudes would come back to the fraternity house during Homecoming? They were all bald and old and had kids and mortgages, but that didn’t stop them from partying the hell out of that weekend. One time I watched an older graduate throw a full handle of cheap vodka off the third story balcony because he hated “Russians and everything they stood for…” even though the vodka was called “The American Vodka.” Do you want to know why the graduate brothers are like this when they come back for Homecoming? It’s because they are all living the same nightmare of adulthood every day, and, for just a little while, they are able to live again.
I’m not here to burst anyones bubble. Everyone knows that you don’t have to grow up. You can be the “Peter Pan” of campus, getting four degrees and living in the fraternity house until you’re 29. I mean, you’ll be judged hardcore and everyone will call you “Gramps,” but that is your decision to make.
Believe me, it sucks living the post-college, not-going-to-campus-bars-anymore, why-do-I-always-black-out-now lifestyle. I wish no one had to go through it, and we could all just stay in our frat mansions until the day we die from alcohol poisoning with a side of titty overdose. I guess my point is that you have to enjoy your college years while you have them. Enjoy the drinks, enjoy the parties, and enjoy the lifestyle. Enjoy them for those of us that can’t anymore — those soon-to-be old guys at Homecoming..
I’m not ready for the real world yet.
10 years ago at 9:50 amThis profile has a lot of potential. Use it wisely.
10 years ago at 12:00 pmDon’t fucking jinx it.
10 years ago at 12:28 amBeing a post grad I can attest to the 100% validity of this article. Best way to deal with it is to stay near your college town (if possible) and have a group of graduates who ahare the same “I’m not growing up yet” vision as you, but understand that Sunday Fundays aren’t happening anymore because Meeting Monday’s are here and they make chapter look like a walk in the park.
10 years ago at 10:10 amThis is true if you spent all of college fucking around and have no ambition or greater aspirations beyond getting drunk and chasing ass(which is great do not get me wrong). Dont be pussy, do something big and fuck all who say otherwise. The world already has enough geedy losers playing safe.
10 years ago at 11:18 amDrinking ceases during the week, but you better believe I’m blackout drunk come Friday afternoon hitting on college girls with money to back it up.
10 years ago at 11:49 amWell, yeah.
10 years ago at 1:30 pmAs a fellow recent grad, I’m gonna go ahead and disagree with you. You can still do everything you did in college, except better now that you have any money whatsoever coming in. And the money you get doesn’t come from calling home every couple weeks to beg mom for a “food” budget. When you go on vacations with your buddies, you’re not stuck going to a shithole beach, cramming into a small condo with oppressive lease terms. Hell, depending on where you’re living, getting laid is even easier after graduation.
Really, the only things that change are that usually you have to schedule stuff ahead of time, and not everyone can make it out to the bar every time you go.
10 years ago at 2:16 pmCollege has long ceased to be a mostly ascetic educational endeavor and investment for the future. Now it’s mostly just an incubator for overgrown toddlers, paid for by the parents and taxpayers.
Lap away beeyotches
10 years ago at 3:38 pmThe first 3 years are miserable, unbearable even. You’ll still want to do all that shit but you can’t. But it gets better. You’re going to get over the hill of 25, and as unbelievable as it sounds, you won’t want to do that stuff constantly anymore. You’ll reach a point where getting a weekend away with your brothers, be it skiing, or heading getting a house down the shore, whatever, is a special occasion, and you’ll be fine with that. I’m not sure if it’s maturity, or that I’m just numb to the monotony of adulthood. Or maybe it’s just because blacking out is way scarier when you actually have something to lose. Either way, it does start out a nightmare, but you adjust.
10 years ago at 7:25 pm